crossroads.. no, not the britney movie

i feel like i'm at the crossroads right now.

maybe this is that point in my life where i'm trying to resolve the past and the future. maybe this dying i feel is my hopeful youth..and maybe this complacency i'm slipping into is my adulthood.

i'm scared of becoming empty. i'm scared of turning into one of jeremy's co-workers... drones.
i used to be so optimistic about life. now, i'm not so sure if there was any real hope at all.

i look around me and i see a world full of hate, unfairness, and complete unjust behavior. i look around me and see glamour, glitter, and absolute ignorance in happiness.

i feel like i get to chose somehow. i get to chose between knowing and ignoring. i can exist and continue on and ignore the dark/grey world and simply follow the sunshine path. i'm american. i'm one of the elite of the world. i get the luxury to turn a blind eye to human suffering. i will never have to starve. i will never have to sleep in the cold. i will never have to do a day's worth of hard labor. i will never have to watch my entire family be destroyed. i will never have to watch my people be raped and systematically exterminated while the whole world does nothing. i will never be stoned for walking the streets with a male that is not a relative.

my worries are far more simpler. i worry about my career and how far i can take it. i worry about my relationship and if i can tolerate it. i worry about my image and how i can mask it.
i worry about how i can make my life better... better than what? better than living in a new house with a great view? better than having my very own car and being able to afford a 20 minute drive every day? better than having a job that pays the bills? better than having a stable family base? what am i looking for anyhow?

am i hoping that one day something really, really great will happen to me that will make me say, "okay, now life is worth living."

am i hoping that one day i'll do something really really great that will make me say, "okay, i can make a difference."

i don't know anymore.. ..about anything.
i'm not sure where i'm going.