it all sucks

i'm so incredibly stressed out. my work, my family, my home, my pets, myself..it's all starting to get to me. i'm trying to find a way to cope better. i'm trying to unravel all reason or sense that i ever tried to put into anything. i'm trying to find away to embrace complete uncertainty and chaos.
i'm trying to get ready to be hurt and disappointed. i'm trying to strip away any expectations.

but it's hard. it would be like tearing down the entire infrastructure that has built up my life and starting over. and if i try to remove a portion of it, i feel like i'll completely collapse.

my work is wearing me down. the actual work load is completely under control. however, the politics and organization of what is going on around and to me is making me insane. i feel like i'm going to crack soon. i need organization, knowledge, and direction. i hate feeling like i'm totally expendable and interchangeable. not after all i gave to this company anyhow... it doesn't seem right. it's not my bosses fault either because they're just too damn busy to need to worry about my stupid problems. i just need to find a way to deal with this. maybe it's time to start being mean.

my home is a prison. it's dusty, damp, and too damn small. it's so hard coming home after my work and know that i'm not going to feel comfortable. it's our fault for having too much crap. it's our fault for having too many things we can't take care of at this time. it's our fault for not being responsible enough to take care of things right away. we're lazy. and we're paying for it by having to live her every day. we have about a year and a few months till we'll be in a house. we'll finally be somewhere that isn't too small for us.

and right now, qtpi is presenting j and i with a huge problem. she goes to the bathroom outside but then she does the same thing in her kennel. dogs aren't supposed to go to the bathroom in their beds. it's not right. we don't know what to do yet. i asked my office manager what she thought i should do. she's going to check on some books she has at home. i might call my vet if this continues. of course, maybe this is normal puppy behavior.. or maybe we're not taking her out enough. i guess i could look up more information on the internet.

i don't want to talk about my own personal issues right now though. i've been going through a lot of "myself" issues.. trying to cope with who i've become and who the hell i should be in the first place or second place. :) sigh.

i better go get dressed. i'm probably going to get called into work soon.