i'm always dreaming that the people who are the closest to me will betray me. i believe that it is my worst fear, betrayal. there's this idea about obligation and posession that exists in a relationship, whether platonic or romantic. i think this comes from the investment of time and committment that goes into creating a successful friendship or relationship. in the end, if someone betrays you, it seems to make all of that investment seem futile. but it's kind of like having non refundable chips. if you don't play, if you don't gamble, those chips you walk out with are worthless and you're just left with yourself.
and how can you not invest or gamble? there are so many exquisite characters out in the world. i was thinking the other day how i always shy away from the people i most admire in the world. i guess i feel that my presence will contaminate their purity. sometimes when my mind is demented i dream of having the power to capture these people and put them in golden cages where they will be forced to spend all eternity with me alone. of course, that would make them feeble and uninteresting.
teach me, feed me, inspire me
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