So there was this great fight of course and now I’m resolved to not pretend as much. This of course means that they will all see how unhappy I am most of the time. This is going to make a lot of them miserable.
I feel selfish for doing this because how easy it to just simply smile. One smile. That’s it. That’s all it takes to fool them all. A smile is the perfect lie. I’ve become so good at that lie over the years that when I see them look at me with concern, I want to give them a smile by instinct. It’s my way of saying, “no, pay no attention. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.”
I’m not fine. I’m still struggling with how to be fine. When you sit down one day and realize your life has been a string of smiles and compromises and you’ve basically done everything in your life that you didn’t want to do…… it makes you feel like there are no options anymore.
I don’t know if simply running away is the answer. I don’t know if starting over is the answer. If I thought my life as a whole was what was making me feel this way, I’d seek to free myself in totality. However, I still think there is good here. I just can’t make any of them see me.
It’s not their fault. For years, I’ve hidden behind a smile. It might take some time for them to learn how to dig a little deeper if they want to uncover me. Or, they may never see me. It’s hard to say at this point.
He knows I’m unhappy. He knows how much I want him to start seeing me and wanting to see more of who I really am. I just don’t see any effort yet. I don’t see any desire to reach out to me. I can tell he so desperately wants to go back to the way it was before…back when I was pretending.
In the end, it might just come down to the fact that he won’t know how to cope with the real me.
I lay there. He knows because he asks what is wrong. I say I’m having a momentary down. He acknowledges this and then walks away. Why doesn’t he try to tear the darkness out?? Is he content with me like this?
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