they grow so fast

qtpi as a pup

qtpi runs!

growin' up

big girl

it all sucks

i'm so incredibly stressed out. my work, my family, my home, my pets, myself..it's all starting to get to me. i'm trying to find a way to cope better. i'm trying to unravel all reason or sense that i ever tried to put into anything. i'm trying to find away to embrace complete uncertainty and chaos.
i'm trying to get ready to be hurt and disappointed. i'm trying to strip away any expectations.

but it's hard. it would be like tearing down the entire infrastructure that has built up my life and starting over. and if i try to remove a portion of it, i feel like i'll completely collapse.

my work is wearing me down. the actual work load is completely under control. however, the politics and organization of what is going on around and to me is making me insane. i feel like i'm going to crack soon. i need organization, knowledge, and direction. i hate feeling like i'm totally expendable and interchangeable. not after all i gave to this company anyhow... it doesn't seem right. it's not my bosses fault either because they're just too damn busy to need to worry about my stupid problems. i just need to find a way to deal with this. maybe it's time to start being mean.

my home is a prison. it's dusty, damp, and too damn small. it's so hard coming home after my work and know that i'm not going to feel comfortable. it's our fault for having too much crap. it's our fault for having too many things we can't take care of at this time. it's our fault for not being responsible enough to take care of things right away. we're lazy. and we're paying for it by having to live her every day. we have about a year and a few months till we'll be in a house. we'll finally be somewhere that isn't too small for us.

and right now, qtpi is presenting j and i with a huge problem. she goes to the bathroom outside but then she does the same thing in her kennel. dogs aren't supposed to go to the bathroom in their beds. it's not right. we don't know what to do yet. i asked my office manager what she thought i should do. she's going to check on some books she has at home. i might call my vet if this continues. of course, maybe this is normal puppy behavior.. or maybe we're not taking her out enough. i guess i could look up more information on the internet.

i don't want to talk about my own personal issues right now though. i've been going through a lot of "myself" issues.. trying to cope with who i've become and who the hell i should be in the first place or second place. :) sigh.

i better go get dressed. i'm probably going to get called into work soon.

another anhedonia and octopus dream...

i had a dream about anhedonia and octopus, as i do on occasion. it was weird.
i was in one of those simple diners you see on the side of the road outside of major cities. the diner was lined with windows looking out onto a vast parking lot but there were very few cars. the booth seats were a bright red pleather. i was sitting at a booth with anhedonia. we were eating a hamburger that only had 40 calories. yeah, only in my dreams. heh. she was crying and telling me that octopus had broken up with her. then in my head (still in the dream), i remembered reading a post he had written about the whole ordeal. something about needing to find himself and taking the time to cope with depression.

at this point in my dream, i realize that anhedonia and octopus are merely physical projections of actual people who are going through this in my life right now. i find it weird that the actual persons involved in this real-life lovers dispute weren't the ones in the dream. i disconnected the bodies and placed them into characters that are distant but familiar.

there was no real point to my dream. there was no resolution. at the end of my dream, i was back in the diner. however, the place had changed. it looked more like outdoor cabana type place. i was eating steak with jeremy and my brother. that's all i remember.

bush in 30 seconds

http://bushin30seconds.org/

These are great. My favorites are "What are we teaching our Children" and "What I have been up to.."

you are not special

we had a clan match tonight. however, the opposing team didn't show up. so we ended up having a clan practice match on a public server.

aside from my geeky ness, i've been over-dosing on the nasal spray my mother told me to only use for three days. it's been more than three days. but i'm only spraying a little up my nose. a little won't hurt, right? i need to breathe. without the stuff, my nose just shuts down. it's depressing not being able to breathe.

sigh. so now i'm going to go take a shower and probably crawl into bed. i started watching fight club last night. i love that movie. some of the best lines come from that movie:

"You are not special. You are not a
beautiful or unique snowflake. You are
the same decaying organic matter as
everything else."
~Tyler~

hell yeah. and don't forget it.

but i did feel special today. my bosses daughter made me a cute little drawing over the weekend to thank me for all the baking stuff her dad has brought home from work. at least that's what i think the drawing was for. it had hearts and swirls in yellow and red on it. i never would have though some kids drawing would make my day, but it did.

damn. dog's barking. gotta go take it out for a piss and poo.
ah joy.

ta.

Sunday, muggy Sunday

i stayed up way late yesterday night. i didn't get to sleep till 7am. i ended up watching the mirror has two faces after i said i was going to bed. and yes, that is the barbara streisand movie and yes, i for some reason like the movie. maybe i like the theory of love without the sexual zip and yet the extreme need for zing in our lives...etc.

i woke up really late as well. not till noon. i was supposed to go into work today but i've been trying to get better so i didn't want to stress myself out. of course, i'm now stressed out because i have so much work to do for tomorrow.

i ended up working on the jaeclan website all afternoon. jerms, john, and i had a late lunch and got subway sandwiches. i got my usual 6" turkey on wheat bread. after we ate, i did more jae site work. i've been working on the members page. i worked until around 6pm and then i crashed out. i didn't wake up till 10pm. the good news is that i felt better but the bad news was that i didn't go to work.

i had some soup around 11pm with my brother, chicken and rice. now, i'm upstairs contemplating on if i should just crash out for the rest of the night. jerms is in the middle of formatting his computer. he got a new 250 gig hard drive. my key board is bugging out on me. it's a wireless and i think the batteries are running low. i need to replace them.

and tomorrow is Monday. i feel like i'm in a hamster wheel. it feels like i should be getting somewhere but i'm not.

any given Thursday

what's worse than the idea of having to go back to work on Monday? having to go back to work on Sunday. yup. i gotta go build a model tomorrow sometime. oh so fun.

been working on updating the www.jaeclan.com website. trying to keep my clan organized so that we make it into the play offs this season. that would be great.

damn. it's 4am. i can't believe i'm still up. this can't help my sickness any.

on a different subject.
how do mom's do it? how do people sustain a family without losing themselves? just today, we were out shopping in north austin. we were going to go out and eat with my brother and friends that evening but then remembered we have a dog to take care of. so we had to go back home and take the dog out for a pee and attention. unfortunately, dogs are nothing like cats. they can NOT take care of themselves. so yeah, even a day trip becomes a hassle when you have dependents.

it wasn't all bad when we came home though. there are joys of staying home. i bought the john mayer any given Thursday dvd, one of those live concert things. it was really good. i ended up jamming to it during dinner and after. i was jumping up and down in the living room trying to do my best john mayer impression. QTPI and dessy were dancing with me.

then i tried to teach QTPI a new trick. she learned how to shake my hand a few days ago so i thought it'd be nice if she learned how to roll over. unfortunately, while i was training her, she peed on the floor. damn. she was doing so good. it's so random too. she'll wait hours in her kennel but then pee 10 minutes after we took her out on the carpet. suckage.

sigh. i better get to sleep. i'll never wake up tomorrow at this rate.

tas.

no nose

i somehow managed to get sick the weekend before i had to return to work. j gave me something. casualty of living with someone. they're woes become yours. anyhow, my nasal passages have been swollen for the past few days. i can't breathe out of them until i'm unconscious. they've never been this swollen. i took some antihistamines but they didn't work. my mom told me to use the nasal spray she gave j before we left. aaaah yeah.

i can breathe finally. that stuff if powerful shit. it feels so good to be able to breathe normally. stuff you take for granted when your healthy. anyhow, this whole nose thing made me paranoid about maybe having a cancer in my nose or something. and that got me to thinking of those people you see on tv with half their faces caved in from the removal of the tumor. i kept asking myself, would i be able to live like that? random huh? i don't think i'd want to live if it meant i had to be deformed. i guess that makes me rather shallow. but who else gets to define reasonable limits of suffering, if not ourselves?

i got a bush (mis) speak calendar for christmas. i finally opened it up and put it on my desk at home yesterday. the quote for Jan 1st was hilarious.

"The law I sign today directs new funds and new focus to the task of collecting vital intelligence on terrorist threats and on weapons of mass production."

-G.W. Bush, November 27, 2002
Speaking at the White House during the signing of the September 11th Commission Bill.

i should be practicing ET but i think i'm going to crawl into my nice soft bed and watch some tv before i pass out.

pms for men

there was nothing particularly different about today than was yesterday. i just feel off. i woke up late and from then off, i've been just floating.

my life is work, dog, work, dog, eat, sleep.

mom mode has me. that's what i keep telling people. i'm not human anymore, i'm a mom. i've got the terrible R disease. Responsibility.

Yeah. if i had it all to do over, i think i would never have gotten pets at all. of course, if i had it all to do over, i probably would have ended up a whore in new york. but that's a different story. heh.

tonight, eric is coming over to try and fix our phone line. for some reason, the reception in the bedroom is very bad. we can hardly hear people talking on the other line.

today i came home to a pissed off jeremy. he had a bad day with the dog this evening. apparently she was being bad. and then he got pissed off about the hamburger patties being still frozen even though they've been defrosting for hours. and after he was done bitching about that, he went on to bitch about how his new george foreman rotisserie grill doesn't fit enough patties at one time. i simply went to the kennel after that and went running with the dog. if jerms was a woman, most people would be like "yeah, PMS!" but because it was a man whining and groaning, it's serious.

whatever.

what has the new year brought?

forget christmas happened. i don't feel like posting my entire holiday adventure so i'm going to skip to the present. but i will mention a few cool gifts i got which i will enjoy thorougly this year.

my bush speak calendar, which contains 365 quotes from the funniest man in america, unfortunately he is also our leader. :P

i also got three X2 cams with wide angle view and a pan and tilt ninja stand. i haven't had the energy or time yet to get them up but i'll work on it soon.

a one year subscription to martha stewart living. i can't wait to try some of her craft and baking ideas.

two twin size down comforters so i can always stay warm when watching tv. hehehe.

we ended up hauling a CR-V full of gifts back to Austin, so we scored pretty big this christmas. heh. i guess we're supposed to be too old to care about presents but oh well.

jerms got 6 Lord of the Rings action figures from me for Christmas. which sparked a huge collecting spree over the holidays. he and his mom combed all off the golden triangle to find every LOTR action figure known to consumers. needless to say, six action figures has turned into TOO many to count. and he's started up on ebay now to get some the rare ones that aren't being sold anymore. EVENTUALLY, we'll get a house in a year and a half and actually have a place to put them all. He's not sure if he's going to take them out of the box yet since they are displayed pretty nicely inside their package.

twilight frodo, where are you? :)

so, the puppy is getting big. she's growing up so fast. i taught her how to lay down this holiday break. it took two days and a few treats but she now knows it. i'm trying to get sit, lay down, and stay engrained in her brain before i move onto handshake, dance, and do my taxes. hehe.

we started up a netflix account. it's great. we have about 200 movies already in our que. i'm excited because i can get old turner classics which i used to watch when i was in middle school and high school. one of my favorites which i watched back then was This Property is Condemned with Natalie Woods. There's this once scene when she and Robert Redford are in an old train cart that I really really love. I used to have the movie on VHS and watched that scene over and over again. Something about it was really relaxing. And no, it's not some sex scene.

oh yeah, in other news, our new Wolfenstien Enemy Territory Clan site is up. http://www.jaeclan.com. i finally got off my butt and created a new site so we wouldn't look like total newbs. we were seriously lacking in team organization and coordination. so i took it upon myself to get us in order. check it out and if you play, make sure you sign up for our clan. hehehe. got a put a plug in.

jerms and i got back from boremont two days before we had to go back to work. so we got in some extra LOTR action figure shopping. while we were at target, i took it upon myself to buy some make up. just some lipstick and eyeliner. they were glittery. so they are really only for going out dancing but i've been wearing it around the house for fun. i also bought some pink lipstick which just evens out my liptone so i wear that one to work. i have a bad habit of blotting out my lipstick with tissue every time i put it on because i can't stand feeling makeup on me. so all this material stuff is purely emotional i guess, the idea of being more girly every once in awhile. even though i don't look it, it's nice to feel it sometimes.

okay, i guess i didn't really skip to the present. but i did at least skip to the presents. hehe.
i'm a dork.