The Perfect Lie

I don’t think it matters how many layers I create for myself and then share. I’m always going to come back to myself. I’m going to come back the only person I probably can trust which is myself. Or maybe it’s that I don’t trust myself that I always loop back around?
That doesn’t even make sense but who cares right? The point is that the only person I know in the entire world who is always going to understand me, is me. I don’t have a choice but to make the effort to try and make sense out of me and get me otherwise. If I did have the choice I’d probably run like hell away...

I get to these moments of extreme vulnerability when I expose myself, my feelings, my thoughts. I think to myself that I’d gain some clarity but the real disappointing thing is when you say, “so this is it, no layers. This is me.” and it betrays every ounce of logic and in a sense even betraying your own trust - and then you are made to realize with the response you get of how trivial it seems in their perspective. That you have just been an idiot fool who will remain forever hidden behind all the layers of bullshit and will eventually smother out an die...probably.

Sure, being safe, guarding yourself doesn’t equal many possibilities but there isn’t that ridiculous pain when you realize you’ve allowed yourself to be damaged again. It’s a calculated risk I suppose and I know why I find myself doing it from time to time. We’re all flawed as humans and I think the highest form of connection is when you come as is... and there’s just no hiding. There is a moment in all of our humanity that makes us the most beautiful creatures in the world when we find we can form the bonds of trust. I love it when I can find that rare moment in another person. It’s when I feel the most myself, that seeing someone else get me, helps me get myself and be okay with who I am... as is.

People often don’t understand why I make such a big deal about my feelings, emotions, and the things in my life that I work so hard to hide. I’m extremely insecure. All of my life, I’ve always felt that I don’t measure up to any standards. It has gotten so that I have built a shell of a person who does perfectly fit in and underneath I’ve constructed a perfectly safe world where I exist safely under all these layers.

Yes, I’d love to find a world where I can be just me and not be so afraid. But every time I leap to fly, I find myself on the ground thinking....what the hell. It’s stupid to trust too much. I always fall down.

I want to be able to come to people how I want to.. I want them to see what I want them to see and not the parts that they can’t understand or the parts that make me extremely flawed. Yes, that might make me a liar but it’s my life, my world. I should be able to control at least one thing in my life...and if that’s how I want to be represented to people, that should be my choice. I’ve been judged all my life and it’s never been all that favorable a response so yes, I might be a little skeptical that anyone else out there won’t judge the same.

So Tired of Running

I focus a lot of my thoughts lately on the idea of happiness. I realize now that I’m facing one of the worst dilemmas of modern man. How do you find happiness in yourself?

It’s just not okay to rest your happiness on someone else. Can you really expect to live your whole life expecting others around you to bring you contentment? Can a human exist by itself and efficiently motivate itself to be happy?

I think it’s so unfair if we can’t. I think it’s unfair for ourselves to constantly have to seek happiness through others. And if happiness is to be found within the self… omg… I’m fucked. I can’t find it. I search and search and search.

Why can’t I find it for myself? Is it something I should even be searching for? Is it obtainable or will I forever find myself chasing happiness and running from darkness? It’s too exhausting emotionally. I want to break free from the cycle.

People who are ….well lost.. falling.. hoping to escape life…they aren’t just depressed. They’re tired and want to stop running.

Double Knots

When you say someone’s happiness is tied to your own, that really means something to me. That’s not something you say to an acquaintance or even a casual friend. To truly mean that, you have to emotionally tie yourself to someone else’s life…. like with a double knot.

It’s not something you want to say lightly or say just for shock value or to pretend you are actually more genuine than you really are because the truth is that humans are fickle. There is no guarantee that the person you have tied knots around will be able to smile all the time.

Especially if that person is like me and has such grand ups and downs, I can’t expect anyone who ties knots around my emotions will find much happiness in life. And then what? Do I begin to feel guilty and do what I always do? Pretend for them?

And perhaps it wouldn’t matter if you didn’t also feel the person’s happiness is key to your own…tit for tat and all that. If you didn’t care about that person, then you could tell them to make double knots and it wouldn’t matter.

So then what does it all become? Does that mean we are drowning each other? In the past, it has meant that I accept that I will allow myself to drown to ensure their happiness survives. And this is how I lost myself before…will this be how I continue to drown?

The Loneliness of Not Pretending

So there was this great fight of course and now I’m resolved to not pretend as much. This of course means that they will all see how unhappy I am most of the time. This is going to make a lot of them miserable.

I feel selfish for doing this because how easy it to just simply smile. One smile. That’s it. That’s all it takes to fool them all. A smile is the perfect lie. I’ve become so good at that lie over the years that when I see them look at me with concern, I want to give them a smile by instinct. It’s my way of saying, “no, pay no attention. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.”

I’m not fine. I’m still struggling with how to be fine. When you sit down one day and realize your life has been a string of smiles and compromises and you’ve basically done everything in your life that you didn’t want to do…… it makes you feel like there are no options anymore.

I don’t know if simply running away is the answer. I don’t know if starting over is the answer. If I thought my life as a whole was what was making me feel this way, I’d seek to free myself in totality. However, I still think there is good here. I just can’t make any of them see me.

It’s not their fault. For years, I’ve hidden behind a smile. It might take some time for them to learn how to dig a little deeper if they want to uncover me. Or, they may never see me. It’s hard to say at this point.

He knows I’m unhappy. He knows how much I want him to start seeing me and wanting to see more of who I really am. I just don’t see any effort yet. I don’t see any desire to reach out to me. I can tell he so desperately wants to go back to the way it was before…back when I was pretending.

In the end, it might just come down to the fact that he won’t know how to cope with the real me.

I lay there. He knows because he asks what is wrong. I say I’m having a momentary down. He acknowledges this and then walks away. Why doesn’t he try to tear the darkness out?? Is he content with me like this?

It’s not You, It was the Lack of us

People seem to get very vindictive I notice when they can’t reach an intimate level of friendship with me or it subsides. I don’t understand why people treat friendship as if it’s something you can possess. I mean I know metaphorically I always say I want to bottle my friends but even saying that, I know that’s not how you treat them.

In this past year alone, I think I have had about four people become really dismayed at the state of our relationship. The funny thing to me is that I didn’t place much value in them as they thought was there. That’s the problem with the meta relationships.

It’s very easy to delude yourself into believing there is a significant bond there just because you think we’re familial. I connect easily with people and I often take the approach to trust someone until proven they can’t be trusted. I know this is flawed but sometimes if you don’t initialize the hand of trust, other people won’t know what to grasp onto.

Friendships however are actually a lot more than just trust and openness. Those values are great but mean nothing if there is no actual connection. To truly connect with someone is magic to me. There are very few moments greater in life than to know and think, YES, this person gets me! And there is no magic formula for this and no shortcut. This comes with time and you can’t cheat time.

The relationships I was referring to last year…those people had NO IDEA who I was and yet they kept referring to me as great friends. I remember thinking to myself how shallow their idea of friendship was. Okay, so I pay attention to you and express interest in your life and how you feel and suddenly we’re BFF?! You know nothing about me. You have no idea who I am!

How do you get jealous of a friendship and connection you never really achieved? They all got upset over a loss of a relationship that was never really there in the first place. They mistake polite behavior and friendly interest as a deep and profound state of togetherness. It never was and when they see me connecting with people I AM actually great friends with, they get jealous and spiteful.

Everyone in life is going to have some degree of compatability with another person but we’re not all going to connect on the same level. Sometimes it’s just because of the people we are and not because we don’t like another person. They just don’t have all the variables to make a good sync.

But then to go and create drama and lies to tear the other person down because you couldn’t share the same connections they do with others…that’s just childish and low. How do I know? I used to do the same thing when I was a child. I would get jealous that I could not become good friends with the people I looked up to in school. I would be mad with jealousy and say bad things about the person to make myself feel better that they weren’t my best friend.

I later realized that you just can’t reach that high level of friendship with everyone. It’s not possible. Sometimes people click and it works and there is a beautiful relationship and sometimes it’s just a simple and pleasant acquaintance. To expect less from a genuine connection would be to cheat the true beauty of the human bond.

Faking Life

It scares me how good I am at faking life.

It's the most fucked up thing in the world. I can be sitting here playfully replying to people via twitter and chatting in bindpoint and be crying intensely from absolute sadness.

I hate this! Everyone thinks I’m just being contemplative and cynical but I’m honestly in pain. I’ve been hurting more than normal these past few weeks I think because I can’t settle on my life. I can’t focus on being happy in the present. I want to, I’m trying.

I’m sure I’ve said this in a thousand posts before but I have an amazing life. I have amazing people in my life and most people would look at me and truly envy all that I have. I KNOW that these things should at least buy me some kind of contentment. This only further drives me deeper into sadness.

What kind of person takes for granted a life like mine? It’s not that my eyes aren’t wide open. I see it all. I am very aware and I have great scope of perspective. 

I remember sitting in back of the car on the way to the Kite Festival trying to push the numbness out of my mind. I wanted to be excited and happy. I wanted to focus all of my thoughts on only what was happening right then. I could not.

I spent the entire day extremely sad but if you were to see the pictures of me from that day, you would never know. I’m very good at being the perfect shell of a human being. There are only two people in the world who can tell when I’m faking. Myself and someone who is long gone out of my life.

The Poseur

And he's found me...you'd think that after nearly four years of ignoring any contact would mean something.  And you know, I wouldn't have wanted to escape him years ago if I thought he was the same person I trusted back then.

So much of who he idealized himself to be ended up being a lie. I used to think he was godly but now I think he was a poseur all that time using words as the ultimate cloak. Above all, he failed the only real sacred measure of connection...trust.

He used our bonds to exploit his own selfish needs that had NOTHING to do with me. He ripped us apart that day and I am almost sure I could never learn to trust him again. I hope he does not lurk for long. I might have to re-branch again because knowing he reads the things I write already stings me.

…You killed us! You broke something I valued and for what? Without the sacred, without the trust, there is no connection. Don't you understand that?