love is hate

what is fair?
it simply does not exist in a world where you can not fully be conscious of
all injustice.
if you are unaware of being wronged, are you still wronged?
it is impossible for an individual to exist on a universal, omnipotent reality.
we are closed systems and our ideals are severely flawed by our lack of simply knowing.

when breathings becomes monotonous

there has been a change in my world, my entire existence... a slow creeping disdain for my flesh. a disgust for breathing. i am a spoiled slothful waste of a human being.

i just don't know what to do with myself anymore. is there anything worth doing?
i'm not sure what it means to be happy anymore. i'm not sure what it means to be human anymore.

i find myself wanting to wrap my cold fingers around my skull... i want to push the thinking out. i want to forget that existence is as trivial as it is. rid me of my useless daily rituals.

different things

i've been contemplating trying out a new hair style. i really want to cut my hair short and get bangs. i'm just really scared of what might happen. the last time i cut my hair short, i immediately wanted my long hair back. anyhow, i decided to play around with photoshop and see what might result.

Coming out party

I went to the UT Pride Night party at the Forum last night with . I tried to get Jeremy to go but the club scene just isn't for him. Anyhow, Karen came over early and ate some of our leftover gumbo. Afterwards, we watched Will and Grace and parts Without a Trace before heading out. We met up with another friend of hers who brought some other girl along. The "friend of a friend" chick was your typical young college chick who is rebelling against an establishment she knows nothing about.. it was kind of amusing, at least.

While I didn't get to dance (no one was dancing), I did get to hang out with Karen on the roof terrace of The Forum and chat. The only people out on the dance floor were a train of guys without their shirts on doin' the nasty dance. hehehehe. it was fun to watch, i suppose. The rebellious chick made a comment about how the Austin gay scene wasn't as happening as the Dallas gay scene. I have to admit, I was expecting a lot more people dancing like crazy and less talking. OH well. There was talk of going to Boy Cellar on "girl cellar" night one week. Hopefully there will be lots of dancing then.

Aside from the smoke, I have a very fun time. I feel lucky to have connected with such a unique person. I think that's pretty rare.

Damn..if they had only played Diana Ross's song, I'm SURE everyone would have been on the dance floor. I know I would have!

"oh I'm comin' out! I want the world to know! GOT to let it show!"

waiting for gumbo

gumbo is in the pot and fresh rice is cooking right now. mmmm. it smells delicious!
i can't wait to eat!

i just spent all evening re-arranging the room. i don't believe in karma or fung shui or room energy..but i believe in change. :) it makes me feel good to re-arrange things every once in awhile. i feel so much better now.

i was floating in a sea of "nothing matters" earlier today. i conceptually still feel the same right now but it has been dulled. i just kept rationalizing with myself today. i thought that the benefits of me sleeping are beginning to outweigh the benefits of being concious. if this is true, wouldn't i be better off dead? dead means going to sleep and never having to deal with the snooze button, right? it would be a valid option, i think, if it weren't for other people who still like to live.

i got bugs

i caught a bug and i'm going to eat it. :) just kidding. my monitor is littered with plastic bugs. i've got a grasshopper, a fly, a scorpion, beetle, and lady bug.

i've been so out of it lately. tired like nothing else. i just can't seem to get my life in order...or at least seemingly in order. last night i crashed out as soon as i got home until almost 10pm or so.

i'm waiting for jeremy to get back home from work right now. i'm going to try and convince him to eat out at Vinny's tonight. we haven't eaten there in a while. tomorrow is icecream day with my icecream partner, jennifer. food is my life...and sleeping.

i have to go do some research now. avoiding "real" reading and starting up on my paper due next week. :(

Life Right Now(1-10): 6

I want to be a candy pimp

I love Halloween. I love to spread the joy of candy to all the young ones!
Start um' out young to appreciate quality chocolates and candies. :)
I don't think my condo is an area where kids go door to door so I don't think I can pass out candy here. I thought about going home to do it but it's on a weekday. I don't know anyone who has a house or lives in a neighborhood where kids go trick or treating..so I'm pretty much SOL on the passing out of candy. I had some glimmer of home when I got an email asking for volunteers for the Halloween city event. I went to their website to sign up as a volunteer but all they wanted were people to put together tables and take them apart. The closest chance I'll get to passing out candy is in two year when Halloween is on a weekend and I can go home to do it. hehehe. until then, the candy is all mine.