Drifter

I’ve been wanting to cry a lot lately. I can’t figure if it’s the lack of sleep or just the sheer emotional pain I’ve been putting myself through. I hate crying. I think it’s extremely weak to cry.

I’ve gotten so sick of feeling sorry for myself again. I just want stable emotions for once where I don’t suffer such highs and lows. You know that movie Chocolat? I feel like that woman and the northern wind is rolling through and I feel it’s time to drift with it and follow it where it takes me. That would be the natural thing but my social condition prevents me.

Who knows what real consequences are to life and the choices we make…we won’t know until we are almost dead and even then who knows. I am just so terrified of waking up one day sixty years old and regretting my wasted youth. For what? For what? Is this what I want? Is this the life I chose for myself or was it chosen for me.

I might live with that regret and wonder for the rest of my life or it may eventually break my heart. You want to cry and yell out how lonely you are to the rest of the world. You want to be able to explain that no matter how much you long to connect, you just can't.. you are forever disconnected. The worst is that if I try to explain how I feel to other people, they futilely try to fix me and that makes me feel all the more worse and wanting to give up...on everything.