i feel that you are out there but you're in a dimension i just can't reach you. you're gone. and it's hard now because i don't like living in a world that you're not in. i always knew you would never be my partner. that fit just wasn't right. but i have always known that you were my soul mate. i will always be alone because you are gone. reality is such a hard pill to swallow. i want to cry but i won't. i want to die but i don't. i want to wake up and not hate the person that i am, but i am simply me every morning.

i am so undone.
we do these things and we act the way we do when we are young because we think there are going to be so many other people in our lives who affect us in the same way. but it's not like that at all. in fact, the older you get, the less people seem real. the less you can relate to them. they come to you tainted and self-focused. it's almost impossible to connect because we grow so disconnected. we lose trust and hope.
and that's why it's possible to destroy your only true confidant when you're young. you just don't know better.

life is bitter as time passes. this, of course, is coming from a born pessimist. i can't help myself. there are very few things anymore that make living worth the while. i am just buying time...etc.

but this will pass i'm sure. tomorrow is always a new distraction...