it's always weird to start these back up when you've been gone for so long. i hate playing catch up, so i won't. i dont' really owe anyone any explanations for my absence except for myself. i let myself get caught up in stupid notions of productivity. eh.. whatever.

yesterday i went out with two of my friends. i had an entire mexican martini shaker by myself. oy. i won't be doing that again for a long time. i was just so completely frustrated from work. i was so angry. i knew i needed some kind of antidote to make all my hatred go away. it worked. my frustration was replaced by a massive headache! i spent most of today staring into space trying to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life. actually, i spent most of the day trying to figure out if it is even necessary to figure out some sort of life-plan. can't we just simply act and do? if we simply just let life happen, will we end up regretting that we didn't spend more time contemplating our actions and their reactions?

when you grow up the way i did, you have this notion that things have to turn out a certain way. i'm not talking about marriage or kids or any of that superficial bullshit. i'm talking about how you feel about your life and where it's going. i always thought i'd be emotionally stable when i grew up. that the more time passed..the more i'd be in control of my state of mind. how wrong i was. i've never been more lost.

you are only young once. only 250 million people out of 6+ billion get to be born an american. shouldn't i be taking advantage of my youth and position in this world? why am i moving through life like there's something better waiting for me tomorrow? Is it true that you have to be miserable today in order to be happy tomorrow?

i've been sick lately. i haven't been able to breathe completely. it's like i'm slowly suffocating. it seems appropriate for my state of mind. drowning....