sinking or swimming?

being a moral nihilist, i have a different way of reacting to society than most people. i'm very skeptical at what is presented to me. i'm also suspicious of words that follow "supposed to" and "the right way"...

but that doesn't mean i deny that society shapes you and creates your environment and thus effects your resulting actions within that society. but what are you allowed to reject? and what should you yield to for the sake of "happiness".

does society define our ideals or do our ideals define society? am i to take from the world around me some kind of clue as to how comfortable i should be in my own skin? would people ever be miserable if other people weren't around? the tricky thing about surviving in my world, is combing out what is acceptable and what is intolerable. nothing is completely ever accepted. besides, what is it about this american society that points to the big happy sun and the blue fluffy clouds? shouldn't it be okay that we skim through life on grey smog and falling stars?

as i get older and watch the definition of "life" change for myself and my friends, i begin to wonder how much we conform to a system, a system which has been proven to be the most effective form of happiness. the "natural system" of finding a loving relationship, having children [procreating thus doing our worldly duties], making money, complaining about taxes, finding drinking buddies at work, and sending our kids off to soccer practice or college. my father is convinced that there is no happier path to life than this. i, however, am not so convinced.

so many of my girlfriends and boyfriends told me that they would find happiness when they found a mate. i've found a relationship. a pretty real one at that. but being in a relationship has not made me any happier than i was before. it simply has altered my path slightly, for better or worse. maybe the sad truth is that we have to learn find meaning within ourselves and no amount of excuses of future accomplishments can change that. what if no one or no event has the power to make us emotionally satisfied with ourselves? what if those things which i have mentioned earlier are simply distracters so that you don't have to think about it. so that for 18 years of your life you can worry about the kid's problems, not your own. or instead of finding your own path, you simply worry about how to maintain a successful path to marriage or a relationship? i mean with so many social pressures, it's easy to lose yourself. would it be so bad if we spent our lives finding a way to love ourselves for who we are? flat chest, flabby thighs, lack of friends and all? hmmm.. maybe it would take more time than its worth. :)

i get afraid when i find myself fighting the current of society's ideals. because when you're drowning, it's hard to determine what is up and down. what would mean sinking and what would mean staying afloat?