 qtpi as a pup |  qtpi runs! |  growin' up |  big girl |
Sunday, January 25, 2004
Saturday, January 17, 2004
it all sucks
i'm so incredibly stressed out. my work, my family, my home, my pets, myself..it's all starting to get to me. i'm trying to find a way to cope better. i'm trying to unravel all reason or sense that i ever tried to put into anything. i'm trying to find away to embrace complete uncertainty and chaos.
i'm trying to get ready to be hurt and disappointed. i'm trying to strip away any expectations.
but it's hard. it would be like tearing down the entire infrastructure that has built up my life and starting over. and if i try to remove a portion of it, i feel like i'll completely collapse.
my work is wearing me down. the actual work load is completely under control. however, the politics and organization of what is going on around and to me is making me insane. i feel like i'm going to crack soon. i need organization, knowledge, and direction. i hate feeling like i'm totally expendable and interchangeable. not after all i gave to this company anyhow... it doesn't seem right. it's not my bosses fault either because they're just too damn busy to need to worry about my stupid problems. i just need to find a way to deal with this. maybe it's time to start being mean.
my home is a prison. it's dusty, damp, and too damn small. it's so hard coming home after my work and know that i'm not going to feel comfortable. it's our fault for having too much crap. it's our fault for having too many things we can't take care of at this time. it's our fault for not being responsible enough to take care of things right away. we're lazy. and we're paying for it by having to live her every day. we have about a year and a few months till we'll be in a house. we'll finally be somewhere that isn't too small for us.
and right now, qtpi is presenting j and i with a huge problem. she goes to the bathroom outside but then she does the same thing in her kennel. dogs aren't supposed to go to the bathroom in their beds. it's not right. we don't know what to do yet. i asked my office manager what she thought i should do. she's going to check on some books she has at home. i might call my vet if this continues. of course, maybe this is normal puppy behavior.. or maybe we're not taking her out enough. i guess i could look up more information on the internet.
i don't want to talk about my own personal issues right now though. i've been going through a lot of "myself" issues.. trying to cope with who i've become and who the hell i should be in the first place or second place. :) sigh.
i better go get dressed. i'm probably going to get called into work soon.
i'm trying to get ready to be hurt and disappointed. i'm trying to strip away any expectations.
but it's hard. it would be like tearing down the entire infrastructure that has built up my life and starting over. and if i try to remove a portion of it, i feel like i'll completely collapse.
my work is wearing me down. the actual work load is completely under control. however, the politics and organization of what is going on around and to me is making me insane. i feel like i'm going to crack soon. i need organization, knowledge, and direction. i hate feeling like i'm totally expendable and interchangeable. not after all i gave to this company anyhow... it doesn't seem right. it's not my bosses fault either because they're just too damn busy to need to worry about my stupid problems. i just need to find a way to deal with this. maybe it's time to start being mean.
my home is a prison. it's dusty, damp, and too damn small. it's so hard coming home after my work and know that i'm not going to feel comfortable. it's our fault for having too much crap. it's our fault for having too many things we can't take care of at this time. it's our fault for not being responsible enough to take care of things right away. we're lazy. and we're paying for it by having to live her every day. we have about a year and a few months till we'll be in a house. we'll finally be somewhere that isn't too small for us.
and right now, qtpi is presenting j and i with a huge problem. she goes to the bathroom outside but then she does the same thing in her kennel. dogs aren't supposed to go to the bathroom in their beds. it's not right. we don't know what to do yet. i asked my office manager what she thought i should do. she's going to check on some books she has at home. i might call my vet if this continues. of course, maybe this is normal puppy behavior.. or maybe we're not taking her out enough. i guess i could look up more information on the internet.
i don't want to talk about my own personal issues right now though. i've been going through a lot of "myself" issues.. trying to cope with who i've become and who the hell i should be in the first place or second place. :) sigh.
i better go get dressed. i'm probably going to get called into work soon.
Friday, January 16, 2004
another anhedonia and octopus dream...
i had a dream about anhedonia and octopus, as i do on occasion. it was weird.
i was in one of those simple diners you see on the side of the road outside of major cities. the diner was lined with windows looking out onto a vast parking lot but there were very few cars. the booth seats were a bright red pleather. i was sitting at a booth with anhedonia. we were eating a hamburger that only had 40 calories. yeah, only in my dreams. heh. she was crying and telling me that octopus had broken up with her. then in my head (still in the dream), i remembered reading a post he had written about the whole ordeal. something about needing to find himself and taking the time to cope with depression.
at this point in my dream, i realize that anhedonia and octopus are merely physical projections of actual people who are going through this in my life right now. i find it weird that the actual persons involved in this real-life lovers dispute weren't the ones in the dream. i disconnected the bodies and placed them into characters that are distant but familiar.
there was no real point to my dream. there was no resolution. at the end of my dream, i was back in the diner. however, the place had changed. it looked more like outdoor cabana type place. i was eating steak with jeremy and my brother. that's all i remember.
i was in one of those simple diners you see on the side of the road outside of major cities. the diner was lined with windows looking out onto a vast parking lot but there were very few cars. the booth seats were a bright red pleather. i was sitting at a booth with anhedonia. we were eating a hamburger that only had 40 calories. yeah, only in my dreams. heh. she was crying and telling me that octopus had broken up with her. then in my head (still in the dream), i remembered reading a post he had written about the whole ordeal. something about needing to find himself and taking the time to cope with depression.
at this point in my dream, i realize that anhedonia and octopus are merely physical projections of actual people who are going through this in my life right now. i find it weird that the actual persons involved in this real-life lovers dispute weren't the ones in the dream. i disconnected the bodies and placed them into characters that are distant but familiar.
there was no real point to my dream. there was no resolution. at the end of my dream, i was back in the diner. however, the place had changed. it looked more like outdoor cabana type place. i was eating steak with jeremy and my brother. that's all i remember.
bush in 30 seconds
http://bushin30seconds.org/
These are great. My favorites are "What are we teaching our Children" and "What I have been up to.."
These are great. My favorites are "What are we teaching our Children" and "What I have been up to.."
Monday, January 12, 2004
you are not special
we had a clan match tonight. however, the opposing team didn't show up. so we ended up having a clan practice match on a public server.
aside from my geeky ness, i've been over-dosing on the nasal spray my mother told me to only use for three days. it's been more than three days. but i'm only spraying a little up my nose. a little won't hurt, right? i need to breathe. without the stuff, my nose just shuts down. it's depressing not being able to breathe.
sigh. so now i'm going to go take a shower and probably crawl into bed. i started watching fight club last night. i love that movie. some of the best lines come from that movie:
"You are not special. You are not a
beautiful or unique snowflake. You are
the same decaying organic matter as
everything else."
~Tyler~
hell yeah. and don't forget it.
but i did feel special today. my bosses daughter made me a cute little drawing over the weekend to thank me for all the baking stuff her dad has brought home from work. at least that's what i think the drawing was for. it had hearts and swirls in yellow and red on it. i never would have though some kids drawing would make my day, but it did.
damn. dog's barking. gotta go take it out for a piss and poo.
ah joy.
ta.
aside from my geeky ness, i've been over-dosing on the nasal spray my mother told me to only use for three days. it's been more than three days. but i'm only spraying a little up my nose. a little won't hurt, right? i need to breathe. without the stuff, my nose just shuts down. it's depressing not being able to breathe.
sigh. so now i'm going to go take a shower and probably crawl into bed. i started watching fight club last night. i love that movie. some of the best lines come from that movie:
"You are not special. You are not a
beautiful or unique snowflake. You are
the same decaying organic matter as
everything else."
~Tyler~
hell yeah. and don't forget it.
but i did feel special today. my bosses daughter made me a cute little drawing over the weekend to thank me for all the baking stuff her dad has brought home from work. at least that's what i think the drawing was for. it had hearts and swirls in yellow and red on it. i never would have though some kids drawing would make my day, but it did.
damn. dog's barking. gotta go take it out for a piss and poo.
ah joy.
ta.
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Sunday, muggy Sunday
i stayed up way late yesterday night. i didn't get to sleep till 7am. i ended up watching the mirror has two faces after i said i was going to bed. and yes, that is the barbara streisand movie and yes, i for some reason like the movie. maybe i like the theory of love without the sexual zip and yet the extreme need for zing in our lives...etc.
i woke up really late as well. not till noon. i was supposed to go into work today but i've been trying to get better so i didn't want to stress myself out. of course, i'm now stressed out because i have so much work to do for tomorrow.
i ended up working on the jaeclan website all afternoon. jerms, john, and i had a late lunch and got subway sandwiches. i got my usual 6" turkey on wheat bread. after we ate, i did more jae site work. i've been working on the members page. i worked until around 6pm and then i crashed out. i didn't wake up till 10pm. the good news is that i felt better but the bad news was that i didn't go to work.
i had some soup around 11pm with my brother, chicken and rice. now, i'm upstairs contemplating on if i should just crash out for the rest of the night. jerms is in the middle of formatting his computer. he got a new 250 gig hard drive. my key board is bugging out on me. it's a wireless and i think the batteries are running low. i need to replace them.
and tomorrow is Monday. i feel like i'm in a hamster wheel. it feels like i should be getting somewhere but i'm not.
i woke up really late as well. not till noon. i was supposed to go into work today but i've been trying to get better so i didn't want to stress myself out. of course, i'm now stressed out because i have so much work to do for tomorrow.
i ended up working on the jaeclan website all afternoon. jerms, john, and i had a late lunch and got subway sandwiches. i got my usual 6" turkey on wheat bread. after we ate, i did more jae site work. i've been working on the members page. i worked until around 6pm and then i crashed out. i didn't wake up till 10pm. the good news is that i felt better but the bad news was that i didn't go to work.
i had some soup around 11pm with my brother, chicken and rice. now, i'm upstairs contemplating on if i should just crash out for the rest of the night. jerms is in the middle of formatting his computer. he got a new 250 gig hard drive. my key board is bugging out on me. it's a wireless and i think the batteries are running low. i need to replace them.
and tomorrow is Monday. i feel like i'm in a hamster wheel. it feels like i should be getting somewhere but i'm not.
any given Thursday
what's worse than the idea of having to go back to work on Monday? having to go back to work on Sunday. yup. i gotta go build a model tomorrow sometime. oh so fun.
been working on updating the www.jaeclan.com website. trying to keep my clan organized so that we make it into the play offs this season. that would be great.
damn. it's 4am. i can't believe i'm still up. this can't help my sickness any.
on a different subject.
how do mom's do it? how do people sustain a family without losing themselves? just today, we were out shopping in north austin. we were going to go out and eat with my brother and friends that evening but then remembered we have a dog to take care of. so we had to go back home and take the dog out for a pee and attention. unfortunately, dogs are nothing like cats. they can NOT take care of themselves. so yeah, even a day trip becomes a hassle when you have dependents.
it wasn't all bad when we came home though. there are joys of staying home. i bought the john mayer any given Thursday dvd, one of those live concert things. it was really good. i ended up jamming to it during dinner and after. i was jumping up and down in the living room trying to do my best john mayer impression. QTPI and dessy were dancing with me.
then i tried to teach QTPI a new trick. she learned how to shake my hand a few days ago so i thought it'd be nice if she learned how to roll over. unfortunately, while i was training her, she peed on the floor. damn. she was doing so good. it's so random too. she'll wait hours in her kennel but then pee 10 minutes after we took her out on the carpet. suckage.
sigh. i better get to sleep. i'll never wake up tomorrow at this rate.
tas.
been working on updating the www.jaeclan.com website. trying to keep my clan organized so that we make it into the play offs this season. that would be great.
damn. it's 4am. i can't believe i'm still up. this can't help my sickness any.
on a different subject.
how do mom's do it? how do people sustain a family without losing themselves? just today, we were out shopping in north austin. we were going to go out and eat with my brother and friends that evening but then remembered we have a dog to take care of. so we had to go back home and take the dog out for a pee and attention. unfortunately, dogs are nothing like cats. they can NOT take care of themselves. so yeah, even a day trip becomes a hassle when you have dependents.
it wasn't all bad when we came home though. there are joys of staying home. i bought the john mayer any given Thursday dvd, one of those live concert things. it was really good. i ended up jamming to it during dinner and after. i was jumping up and down in the living room trying to do my best john mayer impression. QTPI and dessy were dancing with me.
then i tried to teach QTPI a new trick. she learned how to shake my hand a few days ago so i thought it'd be nice if she learned how to roll over. unfortunately, while i was training her, she peed on the floor. damn. she was doing so good. it's so random too. she'll wait hours in her kennel but then pee 10 minutes after we took her out on the carpet. suckage.
sigh. i better get to sleep. i'll never wake up tomorrow at this rate.
tas.
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