Faking Life

It scares me how good I am at faking life.

It's the most fucked up thing in the world. I can be sitting here playfully replying to people via twitter and chatting in bindpoint and be crying intensely from absolute sadness.

I hate this! Everyone thinks I’m just being contemplative and cynical but I’m honestly in pain. I’ve been hurting more than normal these past few weeks I think because I can’t settle on my life. I can’t focus on being happy in the present. I want to, I’m trying.

I’m sure I’ve said this in a thousand posts before but I have an amazing life. I have amazing people in my life and most people would look at me and truly envy all that I have. I KNOW that these things should at least buy me some kind of contentment. This only further drives me deeper into sadness.

What kind of person takes for granted a life like mine? It’s not that my eyes aren’t wide open. I see it all. I am very aware and I have great scope of perspective. 

I remember sitting in back of the car on the way to the Kite Festival trying to push the numbness out of my mind. I wanted to be excited and happy. I wanted to focus all of my thoughts on only what was happening right then. I could not.

I spent the entire day extremely sad but if you were to see the pictures of me from that day, you would never know. I’m very good at being the perfect shell of a human being. There are only two people in the world who can tell when I’m faking. Myself and someone who is long gone out of my life.