thin, not thin

i just ate my lunch. i had my usual peanut butter and jelly sandwich, baked ruffle chips, and 4 snackwell vanilla sandwich cookies. i'll have my diet dr. pepper around 3pm. it's my second desert. :D

i brought two chocolate chip cookies that i baked the other night for a snack. i shouldn't be eating those but i can't stop myself. plus, john and jeremy are NOT help themselves to my goodies. so it's up to me to finish them off.

go figure that i would have a passion for baking and live with two people who are not passionate about desert. i love desert. sometimes i wish i could just eat cookies and ice cream for the rest of my life.

but you know, i said the same thing about mcdonald's fries and chocolate milkshakes before. i get really annoyed with the whole obsession over weight.. mainly, my obsession over it. i thought that i would be happy and content by now. i was completely satisfied with my weight when i was 35 pounds heavier...until some people told me that i shouldn't be. i kept thinking to myself, i'll be happy after i lose ten pounds. and so forth. i've lost a crap load of weight since i started but i'm still not anymore content with my body than i was when i was eating hamburgers and fries. i keep thinking to myself that it's not enough.. that there's still extra chunk there. i look at these waifs and wonder, how they hell they survive? how can you be 5'6 and only weight 90 - 100 pounds? how is that considered living?

i could try out being a vegetarian but that seems so absurd. why on earth would anyone in their right mind block out an entire food group from their plate? how can you not crave steak?

i dunno. i fluctuate every day.. content, discontented , proud, disgusted...
the mirror stopped being my real friend since i turned 13.