I don’t think it matters how many layers I create for myself and then share. I’m always going to come back to myself. I’m going to come back the only person I probably can trust which is myself. Or maybe it’s that I don’t trust myself that I always loop back around?
That doesn’t even make sense but who cares right? The point is that the only person I know in the entire world who is always going to understand me, is me. I don’t have a choice but to make the effort to try and make sense out of me and get me otherwise. If I did have the choice I’d probably run like hell away...
I get to these moments of extreme vulnerability when I expose myself, my feelings, my thoughts. I think to myself that I’d gain some clarity but the real disappointing thing is when you say, “so this is it, no layers. This is me.” and it betrays every ounce of logic and in a sense even betraying your own trust - and then you are made to realize with the response you get of how trivial it seems in their perspective. That you have just been an idiot fool who will remain forever hidden behind all the layers of bullshit and will eventually smother out an die...probably.
Sure, being safe, guarding yourself doesn’t equal many possibilities but there isn’t that ridiculous pain when you realize you’ve allowed yourself to be damaged again. It’s a calculated risk I suppose and I know why I find myself doing it from time to time. We’re all flawed as humans and I think the highest form of connection is when you come as is... and there’s just no hiding. There is a moment in all of our humanity that makes us the most beautiful creatures in the world when we find we can form the bonds of trust. I love it when I can find that rare moment in another person. It’s when I feel the most myself, that seeing someone else get me, helps me get myself and be okay with who I am... as is.
People often don’t understand why I make such a big deal about my feelings, emotions, and the things in my life that I work so hard to hide. I’m extremely insecure. All of my life, I’ve always felt that I don’t measure up to any standards. It has gotten so that I have built a shell of a person who does perfectly fit in and underneath I’ve constructed a perfectly safe world where I exist safely under all these layers.
Yes, I’d love to find a world where I can be just me and not be so afraid. But every time I leap to fly, I find myself on the ground thinking....what the hell. It’s stupid to trust too much. I always fall down.
I want to be able to come to people how I want to.. I want them to see what I want them to see and not the parts that they can’t understand or the parts that make me extremely flawed. Yes, that might make me a liar but it’s my life, my world. I should be able to control at least one thing in my life...and if that’s how I want to be represented to people, that should be my choice. I’ve been judged all my life and it’s never been all that favorable a response so yes, I might be a little skeptical that anyone else out there won’t judge the same.
