this evening...

around 6pm, everyone in the office had left except for trish and i. she had just told me some good news so i offered to take her out and buy her a drink. we went to this incredibly warm and lovely italian bistro called cippolina. they have the best pizzas in the world there. i love to get their maragarita chicken pizza. the crust is so thin and the meat is so tender. i find it wonderful that the place is very elegant and yet so simple and not stuck up. it's very austin.

she and i had a good chat for an hour or so. she's such an extroordinary person. it's amazing that she's the oldest of my friends (40+) but she's the youngest in spirit and vigor. it gives me hope that age doesn't define your character.

i've been so tired lately. i worked till 1am last night. it's scary being in the office that late sometimes. it's also very un-natural feeling. jerms wants me to quit my job.

a part of me thinks it'd be nice to play housewife for awhile but another part of me knows i'd grow tired of it easily. i like challenges in my life. i guess for me, if it's not hard, then it's not real.

i'm going in for more oral surgery tomorrow morning. i'm getting an additonal gum lift. apparently the gum graph wasn't enough to fix my recession. i'm hoping it doesn't impede my day too much. i plan on doing another photography shoot with daylight. no work tomorrow. it almost feels wrong. :-)

i have to think of something to get jerms for his birthday. it's coming up in two weeks. he'll be 27, just like me. normally, i have a pretty good idea of things to get but this years i'm totally at a loss. plus, i usually buy him like 10 presents. so ten things is a lot harder than one. don't ask me why but i think it's wrong to only give one birthday present. too dull.

any suggestions?

gallbladder

took a long lunch with jeremy on his break from jury duty, went to the doctor to check out my abdominal pains, organized my photography project, and still put in 8 hours of work. did i mention i haven't had any caffeine today either?

yeah. i'm officially a robot.

sounds like jury duty isn't so bad. jerms seemed to have a lot of fun. he said it felt like the movie runaway jury and he was john cussack. :) it may not be so bad but i'm still not looking forward to it.

went to the doctor after getting pressured into it by my co-worker trish. she insisted i get my abdominal pains checked out. i had a severe pain attack this past Saturday. i predict it's gal stones but who knows. the doctor i saw wasn't very nice. she was very curt and quick. i felt like she didn't even want to hear what i had to say about my problems. maybe she was annoyed that i had self-diagnosed myself already as having gal stones. who knows. i'm going to have to get an ultrasound done in the near future to have it all checked out.

lately, i've been on some false high. i guess it's part adrenaline and part stress. i feel so alive and so numb at the same time. maybe i'm dying. :)

kevin and i decided to stop talking about photography and start doing it. we're starting with self-portraits. a set is due twice a week to each other (wednesdays and fridays). he was right though, you'll never do arts if you don't make time for arts. i finished mine this evening when i got home (around 11pm). i already have ideas for my Sunday shoot.

i also wrote two poems today while i was at work. there is a spark in my mind but i haven't the energy to breath. weirdness.

but now i'm tired. debating on wether to shower before bed...

VICCI

a friend of mine from dallas came into town this week for the sxsw festival. i think he got in around thursday night but i didn't see him till like saturday afternoon. my work schedule is getting crazier as deadline approaches.

we went out to magnolia cafe and had lunch. i got two breakfast tacos and a shortstck of whole wheat pancakes. yes, they tasted like cardboard. sometimes the wheat thing is actually good but not in this case. kevin got an omlet and a shortstack of gingerbread pancakes. everytime he blows into town, he says he HAS to get those gingerbread pancakes.

after lunch, we stopped over at his friend's store, a local sex novelty shop on first street. while he chatted with his friend, i perused the goods. there was this entire wall full of dildos. standard stuff. but then i started looking at the butt plugs. it then occured to me that i didn't know what the hell those things were for. it wasn't until later when i asked kevin that i learned what their purpose was. i mean, i've heard of them before but until i saw one, i didn't realize their exact use. there was a sex swing which looked pretty intimidating, a bunch of whips, and a few corny things like candy shaped like boobs and sperm. morgan, who owns the store (sin sations) invited me to their one year anniversary party. she said their would be lots of good beer and jello wresting. hahaha. don't know if i'll be attending that shindig.

i watched a bunch of NCAA games that afternoon and evening when we got back. my bracket went to shit! wake forest went to double over time only to lose out to west virginia in a succession of terrible mistakes.

after that horrible game, kevin and i went downtown to go dancing. we stopped at sky lounge first but it was entirely dead. then we went to the light bar. that place was very cool for a bar but again, there was no dancing. we were on our way to check out boy cellar and saw a bunch a people waiting in line to get into this new club called VICCI. it was packed! i give it two months though. austin's dance scene is terrible. but last night, the place was wild. there were go-go dancers in suspended cages totally shakin' it. the dj was crazy. it was the worst mix of songs ever. he even played def leopard. i thought i was gonna puke. but most of it was dance worthy and so i shook it till around 3 in the morning.

kevin left this afternoon. i'm doing laundry and thinking about making a run to the grocery store. i need to vacuum the house. we got the new filterless dyson vacuum. our other one broke. the dyson is SO expensive. i couldn't believe it. we got the new dyson for pet owners. cost like 540 dollars. luckily, jeremy has cashback bonus awards from discovercard. we doubled his cashback awards by getting certificates to sharper image. so we paid half off for the vacuum. quite a good deal. anyhow, that thing is awesome!! makes vacuuming totally fun.

in other news.
i really want to redesign my website. convert it all to css. play WoW or recreate my website? hmmm..

off to the grocery store..

you can call me cannibal

yesterday was amazingly fucked up.

all started when i got in the car and noticed the red sweater i wore last Friday shed all over my seat belt. i was covered in red fuzz.

got to work and had a really long and boring meeting with the bosses about some design changes in the project i'm working on.

they left to get ready for their flight out to kansas (no bosses for a day a half. yeah).

i went to go pick up a smoothie for myself and trish at the office. got the smoothies, one large strawberry banana for me and one large blueberry banana for her. was on the way back to the office when some guy cut in front of a another car and we all had to break really hard. my strawberry banana smoothie goes flying to the floor and the entire contents empties out.

i get back to the office, cussing the whole way of course, and run to the bathroom to grab some towels. i start cleaning up the mess but all i can see is like a lake of pepto bismol shit everywhere. i pick up the cup and put it in the cup holder, pink ooze still dripping everywhere. i lean down to pick up more paper towels full of smoothie and my hair dunks straight into the cup i just picked up. so now i have smoothie all in my hair. i cuss some more.

after i get as much as i can out, i realize that the situation is pretty bad and that something has to be done or else my car will start to really stink.

i give trish her smoothie and tell her i'm heading out to genie car wash to get this stuff shampooed out. she reminds me to get my gums checked out today because of what i told her earlier.

what i told her earlier: (don't read if you get grossed out easily) sometime last Friday, i noticed that not all of the tissue graph was sticking and that a lot of the sutures were coming loose. fastforward to Saturday evening. i'm eating some healthy choice canned gumbo stuff and notice my surgery area feels weird. i get up and go to the mirror to check it out. i ate myself. i ate the remaining tissue graph somehow. yummy.

so i was concerned that my graph wasn't successful so i called and made an appointment with the periodontist Monday after trish insisted i have it checked out right away.

i got the front of my car shampooed and all cleaned up. and sometime during the whole clean up mess, one of the decorative flaps on my pants broke. the button fell off. i went home and changed into jeans and logged into WoW for 30 minutes. long enough to turn in a quest.

i then went to best buy and bought myself the new tori amos to make myself feel better.

when i got to the periodontist, he told me that it's natural for a part of the graph to sludge off because the blood can't reach the tops of it. (things that would have been good to know prior). he said i have a new healthy layer of gum tissue and that i should start molding it over my teeth with my fingers. gross. i'll use my tongue.

got back to the office and half the office left. a few of the girls and i decided to call it an early day and went to z-tejas for drinks (i drank a diet soda. it was a good as alcohol to me).

got home. played wow. went to bed.

this is my mouth

i had oral surgery last week. gum graph.
apparently your gums are more important than your teeth.
they had to take part of my gum tissue from the top of my mouth
and graph it onto the inner bottom part of my teeth. i'm going for a checkup
next week to see if the graph was successful.

i have been drinking lots of smoothies. can't eat food i have to bite into.
sucks. i've never been so hungry.

dentists and periodontists freak me out. i hate sharp objects in my mouth.
it's a phobia for me.

didn't do too much today. j and i went grocery shopping. now we're playing WoW.
up to level 55 now. 5 more till max level. i'm a crack addict.

i want to go out and buy the new tori amos. i heard reviews about it. they weren't very positive but then i heard sleeps with butterflies. even though it's a far more pacid sound than her earlier works. it's very lounge/elevator music-like. and i love elevator music so i'm gonna check it out.

i feel that you are out there but you're in a dimension i just can't reach you. you're gone. and it's hard now because i don't like living in a world that you're not in. i always knew you would never be my partner. that fit just wasn't right. but i have always known that you were my soul mate. i will always be alone because you are gone. reality is such a hard pill to swallow. i want to cry but i won't. i want to die but i don't. i want to wake up and not hate the person that i am, but i am simply me every morning.

i am so undone.
we do these things and we act the way we do when we are young because we think there are going to be so many other people in our lives who affect us in the same way. but it's not like that at all. in fact, the older you get, the less people seem real. the less you can relate to them. they come to you tainted and self-focused. it's almost impossible to connect because we grow so disconnected. we lose trust and hope.
and that's why it's possible to destroy your only true confidant when you're young. you just don't know better.

life is bitter as time passes. this, of course, is coming from a born pessimist. i can't help myself. there are very few things anymore that make living worth the while. i am just buying time...etc.

but this will pass i'm sure. tomorrow is always a new distraction...