nothing sweet

nothing sweet is the last we spoke
the last time i heard your voice
and no one knows how close we were
to making mistakes and living for a change
but now it's gone and time has changed
nothing sweet will ever come of us again...

place holder

i'm crazy.

cat killer

i had some pretty messed up dreams last night. i actually slept twice. Thursday night, i got to sleep around 3am. and woke up around 6:30am. so needless to say, i was busted from work when i got home yesterday evening and tried to take a nap for thirty minutes. i was supposed to wake up around 7:30pm to go eat with a friend but ended up crashing until 1:30am.

oops. i stood up my friend and missed a ton of calls. i didn't want to mess up my schedule so i decided to go light on energy food. i ate some light popcorn and a banana. i watched 50 first dates again. i don't know why i like that movie so much. i guess it's the ultimate typical girl movie because it's about a boy who pines for a girl every day of his life. girl wanting to be wanted and sought after daily = every little girl's dream. i don't know why they let us watch disney when we're young.

anyhow, i just thought it was really cute the first time i saw it and wasn't expecting much from an adam sandler movie..so it was a nice surprise.

i started watching romeo and juliet to try and fall asleep and ended up shutting the movie off and going to sleep when mercusio and tibbult were about to have a throw down. i love the visual artistry of that movie but still complain about their persistence with the original shakesperean language. shakespeare was a writer and an entertainer... of his time. i still stand my ground when i say that the language should be of the time... it's controversial i know..but i get lost sometimes in the translation even though i studied the play up and down my freshmen year of high school. if his tongue hadn't been so poetic and witty, i think we'd understand it easier.

well, about one of my dreams..because it's the one i just had and remember it most vivid.
there's this one scene where i'm driving to and 's apartment and i'm in this huge van. just a note, this scene was following a fucked up one where i was kicking ass playing baseball..and something about a lost woman.. so there is no logic to any of it. i was going to deliver something to them but i don't know what. jeremy and qtpi were with me. as i was pulling into the parking lot i could see the silhouette of in the window.. maybe she was expecting me. i'm not sure. but as i started to look back down, i ran over a small kitty. i freaked out and jumped out of the car with it still running. i scooped up the kitty and it seemed okay but it's legs were really tiny. it meowed and shook it's butt. the interesting thing i remember was what the kitten looked like. it was really chunky but super small, the size of my hand. it had curly blue hair like a clown's head. it had orange and white colored hair. i went up to their apartment to knock on their door. answered it and i could see scowling in the background. she took the kitty away from me and slammed the door. my thoughts were, "i guess it was their cat".. i walked back to the van and looked back up to the window. i saw a pair of eyes peer out from the blinds. then i drove off.

messed up. in one night, i was a baseball player, a girl living in a closet, a runaway, and a cat runner-over.

the blind leading the blind

hahahahahahahahahahah....

Church says girl's communion not valid

the bee gees

i'm sitting here listening to the bee gee's greatest hits. how deep is your love is on.
i am a sucker for 70's love songs. it's just so Sunday morning.

i think i had a lot of good memories when i was young with my dad's music playing in the background. maybe that's why i'm attached to these songs so much. one of my favorite memories is of me and my dad watching the dallas cowboys on tv while eating a whole bag of jalapeno chips. we'd sit in the same recliner chair or on the floor. we'd drink pepsi as i recall. at one point, the carpet bordered on shag..but then the house flooded and we got nicer carpet.

it's weird. i don't have many memories of spending a lot of time with my mom when i was young but she was definitely always there. she did the grunt work i think. taking me to ballet practice, picking me up from day care, cooking dinner, dragging me to and out of bed....
i think i bonded more with my mom after i passed my teenage years. i mostly remember her doing things for me. making me crafts like bows and baskets. she once made all my friends decorated hollow chocolate eggs for easter. she always went out of her way to do things for me.

it's interesting now thinking about my parents and their two different approaches to bonding.
i don't prefer one to the other really. i guess i'm just thankful that i go them both.

is it Monday yet?

jeremy's outside doing lawn work. i refuse to mow the lawn unless it is an absolute emergency. i have bad memories from my childhood of spending many hot summers mowing our vast lawn. i told jeremy that i would concrete the whole back yard if i ever had to touch the stupid lawn mower again. however, they have these self-propelled lawn mowers now. we got one for my dad on father's day last year. he donated the "hard-labor-push-it-yourself" mower to us when we got the new house.

i made tuna sandwiches today. i don't normally cook (if you can call tuna sandwiches cooking) so it was quite a feat. i like to make mine with minimal mayo and more mustard. i also like to add apples to the tuna with a good helping of salt and pepper. i served it on slightly toasted bread with thinly sliced onions. i added some chips and apple slices to the side and walla... i made lunch.

yesterday, i set out to hobby lobby to find some decorating ideas for the kitchen. i spent nearly an hour and a half trying to decide if i should keep my kitchen sparse or add some color to it. after much debate, i bought several tin can vases and fake dried flowers. i also got some really realistic fake fruit as well. i know, writing this down, i can see how you'd say.. "oh my gawd, how cheesy" but i thought the same thing when it was in my cart. but hey, i had a vision and i was sure i could work it out. jeremy called me from work and i told him that i had been pacing the aisles for the past hour deciding if i could pull it off. he said to go for it and so i did.

80 bucks later, i have a very northern country kitchen look. it's not even country so much as "Sunday brunch in autumn"... it's hard to describe. i need to get one of those nifty cameras that and have. i actually have a digital camera, a nice one, but i haven't figured out how to use it with proper indoor lighting.. it either comes out too dark or way too bright.

maybe i'll get off my lazy bum and go take pictures. you can see the before and after.

well, i think jeremy's done fertilizing the lawn now. i'm mid-laundry right now. i just took the whites out and the darks are doing there thing. i'm going to get back to my architecture project. my partner's gonna be pissed if i don't produce something soon...

the plumber and i

i woke up this morning with a huge gash on my arm. apparently dessy took a sleigh ride down my arm or something during the night. owey.

i slept in this morning. i took a half-day today so i won't be going into work until around noon. i had to be at home from 8am-12pm to meet the plumber. apparently all of the new houses in the neighborhood have ball-cock problems. yeah i know, that's what i said too.

if it's not fixed, we could find ourselves drowning in a lake of toilet water. so i decided it was worth getting taken care of now.

the plumber was really professional. he even put on those shoe booties to keep dirt off our carpet. he explained to me how we can make our toilets flush with more water. our house has a one star green building rating. as part of that package, they used low-flow toilets. this means that the average flush uses about 1.5 gallons of water instead of 2.6. this would be all well and good except that the low flow of water doesn't do the job the first time. we often have to flush like 3 times to get the "good stuff" down.

and it's also embarrassing for guests. we have to tell them. "hey, if you are going to use the number two, please flush mid-poop to ensure proper drainage." yes.. well at least there won't be a scene from along came polly.

he also told me that using that blue tabs you drop in your toilet is bad. first, it voids the warranty on your toilet. secondly, it softens the rubber on all your toilet parts. last, it clogs the small holes that drain the water into the actual bowl.

things you can learn from a plumber.

crossroads.. no, not the britney movie

i feel like i'm at the crossroads right now.

maybe this is that point in my life where i'm trying to resolve the past and the future. maybe this dying i feel is my hopeful youth..and maybe this complacency i'm slipping into is my adulthood.

i'm scared of becoming empty. i'm scared of turning into one of jeremy's co-workers... drones.
i used to be so optimistic about life. now, i'm not so sure if there was any real hope at all.

i look around me and i see a world full of hate, unfairness, and complete unjust behavior. i look around me and see glamour, glitter, and absolute ignorance in happiness.

i feel like i get to chose somehow. i get to chose between knowing and ignoring. i can exist and continue on and ignore the dark/grey world and simply follow the sunshine path. i'm american. i'm one of the elite of the world. i get the luxury to turn a blind eye to human suffering. i will never have to starve. i will never have to sleep in the cold. i will never have to do a day's worth of hard labor. i will never have to watch my entire family be destroyed. i will never have to watch my people be raped and systematically exterminated while the whole world does nothing. i will never be stoned for walking the streets with a male that is not a relative.

my worries are far more simpler. i worry about my career and how far i can take it. i worry about my relationship and if i can tolerate it. i worry about my image and how i can mask it.
i worry about how i can make my life better... better than what? better than living in a new house with a great view? better than having my very own car and being able to afford a 20 minute drive every day? better than having a job that pays the bills? better than having a stable family base? what am i looking for anyhow?

am i hoping that one day something really, really great will happen to me that will make me say, "okay, now life is worth living."

am i hoping that one day i'll do something really really great that will make me say, "okay, i can make a difference."

i don't know anymore.. ..about anything.
i'm not sure where i'm going.

house to home

jeremy and i took a weekend off of final fantasy xi and got a lot of chores done.
we finally got rid of the bulk of the junk in the downstairs living room and gave it all to goodwill. it's amazing how ready i am to get rid of things now. i refuse to be junk monster i used to be. if haven't played with it, touched it, or used it in a year, it's gone.

we went to target hoping to find some cheap furniture pieces to help us store dog and tupperware stuff in the kitchen. unfortunately, the styles available now just don't suit our tastes. i did get some decorative pieces for storing art/items for the kitchen (the one place our house looks complete).

We also moved all of the misc gameroom stuff into the spare room and so the game room/upstairs living room look totally spacious again. we still need to buy desks. we might make a trip up to houston to check out ikea if we get desperate. we'll probably try eurway again. their stuff is kinda hit or miss for us. we got our dining table and computer chairs there. the dining table is nice but there are a lot of flaws..minor scratches and dings here and there. the computer chairs turned out really nice. they were well worth every penny.

so now our house looks more like a home...at least more than it ever has before. i also finally got all the laundry done..only to have it start again today... the guest bedroom is once again free of extra clothes to be folded. i also set up our mcfarlane OZ monsters. see, our guests get to sleep with winnie the pooh, bambie, the fucked up monsters of oz, and pinhead.

sweet dreams. mwahahaha....

queens of the dance floor

i want to thank ren for dragging my ass out Tuesday night to girl cellar night at boyz cellar.
i was kind of hesitant about going because of work the next day and all that but i normally sleep pretty late anyhow.

i hadn't seen ren in along time and my architecture partner was a no show that night for the competition we are working on. ... so i figured, what the heck... i could use the exercise.

when we got there, the crowd was kind of slim on the dance floor. we decided to sit down near the bar and visit till more people started dancing. i'm not sure i remember all of our conversation. i know we were talking about "love" and how much is too much for it. ren has girl issues a lot. i think that comes from not having the affection he desires or not knowing what it is he wants... i think he's kind of crazy/stupid infatuated all the time. but i try not to impose so much since i know that people always end up doing whatever is in their best pants, ur, i mean interest.

i decided to see if these types of places serve mexican martinis so i asked the bartender.
sure enough, they do. it tasted like shit. but i drank most of it because it was so expensive. after drinking so much (glass of water as a chaser), i need to use the restroom.

i almost never go to the restroom when i go dancing because toilet facilities are never reliable. i was headed to the girl's restroom and noticed the bathroom doors were open.. i guess to stop people from doing lewd things behind closed doors. i saw two guys in the girl's accessible stall. i thought to myself, "shit, i'm in the wrong restroom". i checked the door again and it said women. so i was like, what the hell, i need to pee, so i went in. as i was going in, the two guys came out. they were smiling and laughing. i was like "hey'...and one of the men said to me, "hiya! this is my boy friend alberto!!!" i was like "nice to meet you alberto and went to shake his hand." he took my hand and kissed it and nodded his head. i was like "thanks!" then they left, and i peed.

dancing was a lot of fun. the music was completely random. at first it was a lot of 80s cure, erasure, madonna, cindi lopper...then it was jay-z, 50 cent, and some random jamaican type stuff.

i ended up losing track of time and staying there till 2:30am. i still went to work on time. who says you can't have your cake and eat it too. i love being an adult, because you get to be a kid without rules.

muse-ic

i love it when people share their music with me. i know this sounds corny but i really feel like they're giving me a part of their soul as a gift. i always appreciate it and in the very same token they are forever floating in the songs. they're image and their persona become part of the music.. it's like i'm listening to the soundtrack of their life... or some combination of my own life mixed with theirs.

i know i make more of it than it really is but truly, when i listen to the songs they have shared with me..i am always in some degree thinking of them.

i don't know how music got to be so important to me. i have whole play lists that will bring me back to very specific moments in my life and very specific feelings. there are some songs i try no to listen to because they make me hurt. and yet sometimes i like the hurt... because it reminds me that i was alive once.. and possibly could come alive again one day.


sweet sweet words...sweet sweet eyes.. sweet sweet music... make me come alive

desks

we've been looking into getting desks for the game room upstairs. we actually converted it into our computer area. but right now we have wires going everywhere and we're sharing two fold out tables.. one long one and one square one...

there are just no good designs for office desks out there. do you know any good places to search? we looked at eurway, office max, and office depot so far. they all just look too generic or executive.

jeremy likes his computer in the corner desk piece. i prefer my computer on the long side of the desk. i was thinking we should just spring for cubicles!

a really, really long boat ride

my mistake. the movie was actually three hours and twenty two minutes.
this helps explain why i was so bitter after staying up to watch it.

in responding to encyclops post, i can understand the appreciation.
movies today are lacking any emotional adventure. they just don't take the time to
truly unwind your head.. instead they just flash eye candy in front of you over and over again for about an hour and a half. and even the movies that are intellectually intelligent barely
scratch the surface of your psyche.

but my problem with apocalypse now was it's shallow approach to the real journey into madness. i'll have to admit, i expected it to be a bit more raw and gruesome. i expected it to be a movie about the vietnam war. but it wasn't. i had no idea what this movie was about when we first started watching it. i had heard the name of the movie many times before but had only a few assumptions about it.

my criticism is in the fact that the setting of the vietnam war was the catch-all answer to the madness that ensues with each character. no one instance seems to matter, causality isn't in the film. so many "acts" are performed throughout the movie but none of them seem connected and none seem to bare on the other. from the moment he goes mad in his motel room to the moment he drives away from the island of dr. moreau, sheen's character is numb and all of the other characters are reduced to loaded popcorn kernels.. a product of too much anticipation and fear. once they poof, they turn into salty airheads.

is that the message? you're bound to find some rationale into madness if you have enough time and acid?

it's interesting that this was based off of heart of darkness. i remember falling asleep reading that book too but i remember the reference to the skulls on stakes. i remember having to write a five page analysis on keys. i have no memory of keys in the books but apparently my teacher thought it was worth writing about.

and that's another thing.. why call the movie apocalypse now? why not call it what it was.. "a very very long journey into prescribed madness". what? too long of a title?

apocalypse now

i just spent like two and a half hours watching apocalypse now.
waoh.. what a fucking waste of time.

i'm so pissed.

movies from that era are all the same.. long, drawn out scripts of nothingness...

kinda like a really long, boring, messed up, bad dream.

oh golden arches

McDonald's hit with fat lawsuit

wtf. stop picking on mcdonalds. when i see things like this, it pisses me off.
the last thing i want, is for those carb-cutting, fruit-only nuts to control how we eat.
when you go to mcdonalds, you know what you're getting. you know what will happen to you if you continue to eat there on a regular basis. and if you don't know now, you will after three weeks of eating there.

i'd hate to end up in a world of cardboard flavored food. and have other's people's beauty and health standards become mandated upon me. which actually has already happened.

i mean when i was 20-30 pounds heavier, i felt just fine about myself. it wasn't until i was continually ridiculed and made to feel as if there was something wrong about myself, that i did begin to feel as if i needed to lose weight. and now, i can't gain five pounds without truly freaking out... for fear of hating myself.

in my head, i think that it's okay to be above anorexic weight levels. it's okay if we can't see your rib cage. it's okay if there's actually a person there. it's okay to be "overweight". I think you're allowed to set a lifestyle for yourself that YOU are comfortable with... better to be a size 16 than a size NEVER f-ing good enough.

decadence is a luxury we americans have. so why shouldn't we be entitled to it. if we want our animal fat fried fries, let us eat it. if we actually want sugar in our cakes, let us have it.

i understand the article is actually a lawsuit about misrepresentation and not obesity. but it's the concept of the ideals which have made this even an issue for mcdonalds that really winds me up.

i don't want economic/profit failures due to health FADS (and yes, that's what they are) to buckle the golden arches into health frenzy submission.

gawd, can you imagine pulling into a drive-through and saying, "I'd like a large salad, hold everything but the lettuce. And a side of biggy-carrots."

the definition of decadence is a process, condition, or period of deterioration or decline; decay. if you engage in unhealthy behavior, it will result in an unhealthy lifestyle. if you dabble in unhealthy behavior, you're bound to taste the frosting. we should be teaching people about moderation.. it's the best method of having everything of what you want.

kerry-LANDSLIDE!

i don't post much anymore.. i had come up with a really good excuse but i have forgotten it.
something about pointless entries about my pointless life... etc.

but that's not so interesting. my life right now is work, ffxi, work, catching up with friends via cell phone, and paying bills. oh yeah, i occasionally do chores too. but we're kind of not into that right now. too much gaming. massive multi-player online games are almost like a second life you come home to.. with its own set of chore, jobs, and stress related issues. i don't know why i would pick that as my pass time..but oh well.. it is.

i've decided that i'm physically friendless. i have but maybe two friends i actually interact with face to face. actually, it's pretty much down to one since the other one i see online more than in person. all of my other contacts are by phone, email, or messenger. i'm digital. if i could only work from home, i'd just become my computer.

work has gotten pretty slow over the past few months. luckily, i have found internet radio to save me from the monotony. i have fallen in love with al'fraken of the O'franken factor and randi rhodes of the randi rhodes show. my office manager, trish, introduced me to airamericaradio.com. at first, i thought she said radio america so that's what i tuned into.. whew.. after three hours of listening to that crap i almost had a fit. luckily, i found out that i was on the wrong site.

anyhow, i listen to the o'franken factor from 11am to 2pm.. then i listen to the randi rhodes show from 2pm to 6pm. then it's usually time to go home.. so it really helps me get through the day.

i ended up seeing fahrenheit 9/11 three times. i plan on seeing it again if my brother hasn't seen it. i really loved it. i agree that it was rather sensationalist as my friend pointed out...but it really shows the american public that it shouldn't always rely on fox news for the truth. plus, it was just good film making. i think the reason people often criticize this film for its lack of direction is that this isn't a story. this isn't a documentary about proving a point or dis-proving something. i don't think he needs to make one coherent point at all. this isn't a debate he 's engaging in. he's expressing his mind and the minds of so many other people who want the rest of the public to be aware... to not just blindly follow their leaders and anchormen. he's saying, guess what folks, they, your trusted leaders, aren't afraid to lie to your face. the people you count on for factual news or to tell the whole objective truth, don't give a damn outside of ratings and what sells best to the public. wake up. wake up. wake up. i think moore doesn't care if you trust what he has to say. i think he wants you to find out for yourself..

repeat after me folks! kerry- LANDSLIDE! kerry-LANDSLIDE! kerry-LANDSLIDE!

and since i know i won't post for awhile (even though i will mean to) i'll add some useless facts about myself as i am now.

-i like to drink diet coke with lime
-my favorite candy snack is Sour Patch soft and chewy candy-Watermelon flavor
-i drink a small carton of oj in the morning.
-i eat pbj, baked ranch doritos, and five snackwell vanilla sandwich cookies for lunch during work.
-it takes me roughly 20-30 minutes to get to and from work every day.
-i usually try to make my social phone calls while i'm driving. (yes, i'm one of those people..but hey, i use a hands free headset if that helps)
-i have entered an architectural competition with my friend in nyc
-i need to go play ffxi.

chow...

movie day

i'm really excited. this Friday, four of us at the office are going to leave work early and go see the Fahrenheit 9/11. then we're going out for drinks afterwards. I don't drink but that's okay. only 2 and a half more days....
we've already bought the tickets on fandango.

the mad mad mind

i've been writing poetry again. i think it is a good indication of my return to insanity.
poetry to some people is an art because they are written by artists.
poetry to some people is a cry of madness...

i am no artist and i am no poet
i know nothing of literature or poetry

my poetry is about living in a dark hole
and the voice is stifled..and all that comes out is fragments..as indecipherable on paper as it is in my head...

i shouldn't call them poems.

take a chance on life/ female cussing

one of my co-workers is leaving our company. that'll leave only four grunts. three of which who have been working at the company for less than a year. luckily we have no large jobs right now.

i brought a cookie cake and some snackies to work today as a farewell party. tomorrow the company is going to do a goodbye lunch thing. the guy is taking of with his wife to europe. she's got some teaching gig and he's doing some historic preservation fellowship. after they're done with their stint in europe, they're going to move to portland, oregon. i totally admire their flexibility.

i truly envy people who aren't afraid to take chances in life.. to venture outside of their little familiar world.... and see .. and explore....and actually allow life to happen.

one day maybe...

on a side note, on the way home today from work (my drive to and from work has increased since we moved to the house) i started thinking about the relationship of vulgar language to the female sex. i was thinking of the list of bad things a person can say and realized that a lot of those words have a strong relationship to females. b*tch, whor*, slut, p*ssy, c*nt, mother f*cker... sucks to be a woman..

hold your tongue

i have somehow waded myself back into the deep end of political angst. thanks to my office manager who is as fanatically a liberal as i am, i have once again entered the world of frustration. i'm mad. i'm mad that there is no solution, that there is no truth, that there is no one we can trust and that as Americans, our only choice is to pick the lesser of the evils abound.

i accidentally logged into radio america online. it's an ultra conservative net radio program. i thought i was logging into air america but had gotten the stations wrong. i remember sitting at work thinking of how angry i was getting. all everyone wants to do in this world is scream about how everything is wrong in the world. how terrible things are because gays are getting married and environmentalists are causing gas prices to go up and that all environmentalists are terrorists... and how the only thing sacred in America is the act of marriage. it's weird because up until now, all i've been thinking about is mothers and fathers and daughters and sons who have to hear how their mom, dad, son, or daughter isn't coming home. that we're all whining and moaning over morality when people are making judgments (and we are complacent) that are sending people do their deaths. that fatality rates in america by americans are well over that of who die in suicide bombs in the middle east. who needs terrorists? we're killing ourselves just fine.

anyhow, i started reading michael moore's Dude, Where's my Country. i can't wait for Fahrenheit 9/11 to come out. i really enjoyed bowling for columbine..and i think his new documentary will really open a few more eyes.. whether they want to be opened or not.

but what does it all really matter. tomorrow, as long as we still have our health and pay checks, we'll be loitering in barnes and noble, sipping our double lattes, and burning through our credit cards at the mall. fear and consumerism... this is the way of the american people... i don't care what side of the flag you're on...

chocolate cake.. mmmmm

my boss brought the chocolage cake back to work. his wife bought it for us on friday.
i'm trying to resist the temptation....

truth

my life is one big lie.

all nighter

my company had a huge deadline this Monday so we all worked overnight on Sunday till Monday. i was so exhausted. the good news is that i got to head home around 11 am. i was so excited because i got to be home during the day. it was like being on vacation. yup. i took a shower and ate some lunch then watched a few episodes of queer as folk season 1. i was so happy. but then i don't know what happened. i must have dozed off around 3pm and was awaked by jeremy when he got home from work.

he told me he was going to play basketball. i somehow managed to go downstairs and crawl into bed. jerms woke me up again around 8 to tell me that dinner was ready. after that, we watched spice world. jerms said he over exerted himself during basketball and went to bed around 11pm. i stayed up till 2am watching more queer as folk.

yesterday night was my brother's 21st bday. we took him out to Trudy's. he had a test in the morning so he left to study afterwards. jerms and i were going to watch some tv but decided we were too tired and went to bed instead.

his parents are coming up this weekend along with his sister to see the house...so there's a lot of cleaning up to do.

i just finished my pb&j and need to get back to work. booooo...
:)

oy.. two and a half more days till the weekend.

dead to the real world

i'm pretty tired. it's like 5:17am. My brother, Jerms, and I stayed up all night playing FF11.
oy. we're level 15 now.

we haven't gotten much done this weekend because of it. that's the problem with MMRPG games. They tend to suck the living daylight out of your life literally. but they're pretty fun and you can get totally lost in them. it's like opting to live in another world. plug in instead of get out into the real world. today was a beautiful day but we spent it inside the computer room. heh. i'm okay with my lifestyle right now. if it makes me a zombie, i'll pull the plug. otherwise, i think i'm content with being a pc fiend.

i might as well play now while my responsibilities at work are light. i have a feeling they'll pick up in the next month or so. and that is total suckage.

my parents are coming up again next weekend. they said they have more stuff to do to the condo before john's roommates move in. it's good for me because we don't have to travel back home for mother's day. i think i'm going to take my mom to the spa.

oh wait, we did get two things accomplished in the "real world" today. we went out to eat lunch at Texadelphia and went to Linen's and Things to buy john a thermal blanket. i wanted to buy stuff too but i ran some numbers last night and i'm outta spending dough. :`- (
boo hoo hoo. i love to shop.

i guess i'll call it a morning. sleepy time. i hope i wake up tomorrow before my Sunday is all gone.

in your world

a lot of people make a lot out of their day.
i'm simply content with getting by right now. vying time before
i hit the hay.

my parents came up this weekend and cleaned out the condo.
now my brother has a nice little place that's cat and dog free.
it's almost like we were never there... except the painted room we
were staying in. (light green with blue trim).

work has been slow but continually stressful. i dream of having a cubicle.
no chance of that ever happening. i always feel like i need to be working ever single second of the day. but honestly, i think people are more productive when they get to take a minute or two to un-focus. otherwise, they drift on into this "numb" stage where productivity sinks to the negatives. sometimes i work so long that i enter my zombie stage, at which point i'm blankly staring with no real consciousness.

my parents came over and stayed at our new house. they loved the second floor porch. they said it was like being on vacation. they gave us a house warming present, a set of new silverware. they also gave jeremy his bday present from last week. it was a new dvd player. that makes four dvd players we have now.. and only two tvs!! heh.

we still want to have a garage sale. the formal living is completely packed with garage sale items.. which is okay for now since we have no furniture to put there. we've decided to stop buying stuff for now until we can recoup.

other than that, we've been spending most of our free time playing FF11. I'm a white mage tarutaru..and jerms is a female human warrior. my brother is a mithra red mage..but he's many levels ahead of us since he started a week or so before us. it's the first MMRPG i've ever played. i really like it a lot. you seriously can get lost in this world. i can see how people could lose their jobs and loved ones.. heh. it doesn't seem to be as bad as everquest but i've never actually touched that stuff before. i'll stick to the small drugs. :)

it's also a very smart game. by smart, i mean, you actually have to apply brain power to play the game. that's the great thing about video games that a lot of people don't understand. some of these games are immensely complex and require a good amount of research. i don't equate video games with tv. TV is what you do to relax. gaming is what you do to have fun. and sometimes fun is work.

but i'm quitting early tonight because i need to wake up early tomorrow. i need to start getting to work a little earlier. by bosses are really flexible but every now and then i think it's good to show you do have some respect for their rules.

da house is on fire

wow. i can't believe how easily your life gets sucked away from you when you're purchasing a new home. i think this whole process would have been easier if i was a house wife or something. but managing work and house hunting, then buying, then loan stuff.. then appliance/furniture stuff/ and moving stuff... and painting/ and prepping/ and moving some more/ and cleaning/ and more work...etc.. is just a lot a lot a lot of work.

but finally, i'm starting to see the light and the bottom of my wallet. :)
yup. i think we've tapped ourselves out. but now i'm sitting in the new office in my new home and it seems pretty great.

we found a nice house three weeks ago. we made an offer... mounds of shit and turmoil later... we're here.

so far the only thing that looks remotely complete is the living and dining area. it's the only room(s) that got painted. i didn't want a while kitchen. it looked too clinical and too much like a rental. so we got two gallons of mocha-colored paint and went to work the day after we closed on the house.

we closed on tuesday of last week and have been moving/packing/unpacking all week and weekend. this friday, the appliances came in. we had ordered all stainless for the kitchen set to replace the white or actually bisque colored appliances that came with the house. the washer and dryer also came in on friday. jeremy and eric went to go pick up the sofa from the furnituer store that night while i packed up our bedroom at the condo.

we still have two more trips back to the condo before all of our stuff is moved out. everything is still in boxes at the house. it's going to take a few weeks to sift and sort through it all. i'm going to get rid of most of it. i'm planning on having a huge garage sale to get rid of it all.

so far, i'm so happy with the new place. the dining table set we got is awesome and so is our sofa set.. it's totally pimpin' comfortable. it's also so NICE to have a large fridge that fits all of our food..and don't even let me start on my kick ass walk in closet. it's a dream come true. i'm turning it into my dressing room/vanity area. i feel like i don't ever want to leave my house...which is good because i can't afford to. heh.

my parents might be coming up next weekend to bring up their extra lawn mower. i want to have my mother help me with a few sewing projects.. i have room to sew now too. heheh. i can finally pull out the sewing machine my mom gave me back in october!

we don't have our office furniture yet. we're trying to find tables that fit the room nicely. jerms wants a corner table set so we're still looking. we thought we had found a set at EURWAY but the desks were too big for the room.

i'm the middle of organizing the master bedroom closet. i have a huge pile of "garage sale" stuff growing. i'm not sure what i'll tackle next. what sucks is that i need to be at work by 6:30am or 7am tomorrow morning. bummer. i wish i could take a few days off to get settled in. tomorrow, jerms has the day off. he's going to do some more unpacking. tomorrow evening our bed, chair and ottoman set will be ready to be picked up.. so i'm excited to get that.

i haven't met either of our neighbors yet. i know one of them has three dogs and at least one cat. we think two women live there. jerms met the other neighbor. his name is greg. we haven't established who he is living with yet. the homes on our street are two big for singles so we are assuming most of the people living here have significant others. the only other person we've seen at his house is another man. at first i thought it was a really ugly woman and then i realized she was a he and it made more sense. jerms said greg is a really nice guy so i can't wait to meet him. i'm planning on making "hi, i'm your neighbor" baskets to give to each neighbor. just a quick and easy way of saying hello and here's who we are.

i'll post pictures when i can find the camera that got packed up. heh.

p.s. you should see all of our toys/ stuffed animals. i sware if you were to walk into our place right now, you'd think we had three kids.

fluffy stuffy

so now that i have an idea of when we're going to be moving into a house, i have started thinking of all the things i will want to keep and discard.

i have too many stuffed animals. i don't know what to do with them all. should i give them away or sell them? i have huge ones and small ones. some are just toys and others are memories of old friends and family.

i've got this huge ass stuffed gorilla. i'm not putting that in our new home so i'm not sure what to do with it. i paid 70 bucks for it. i was crazy back then. i also have a huge tiger my mom bought for me at a garage sale. it takes up four feet of space.

i could do games on my site and give the winners my toy stash or i could just donate it all to the salvation army.

all i know is that it's going to be very hard to part with some of these fluffy critters but they HAVE to go. they must go. must resist cuddly wuddly feelings....

where's my teddy bear?

daisy girl

no dream house but at least j bought me a house warming gift. :)

there goes my martha

i've had such a crappy few days. and now my idol martha stewart has fucked herself. great. i was okay when she was a liar, cheat, and greedy freak. but not a convict. no amount of branding can help erase the bars from your image.

geez. if they can let a looney pop star molest kids and get away, why can't they let a billionaire get away with a few hundred thousand dollars. no?

heh.

gawd. we're in the process of buying a house and it totally sucks. i'm never going to find anything we can afford. we made a bid on a house this weekend but there's no way they can come down to our price range. it's my total dream house but buying it would mean living in an empty dream house for a long time. i had all of these great ideas on what to do for each room and how i was going to decorate this and that part of the house. but that's the problem with dream houses... they're just for dreaming.
if i didn't have to work and worry about taking time off, i'd probably enjoy house hunting more. we would like to close on a house as soon as possible because interest rates are really low. i would post pictures of my dream house but that would be like pouring salt on an open wound.

and then there's stuff at work that's been really urking me. but i can't talk about it here so i'll just bitch about it to myself in the car or to qtpi on a walk.

sigh no more

pissed off. frustrated. depressed. pathetic self-pity.

yup. that about sums up my week.

dreary Sunday

i never mean to watch the oscars. i usually just like to catch the red carpet to see what people are wearing but this year, the red carpet pre-show left me unsatisfied. joan rivers is a loon and i'd not only pass her on for m&ms, i'd skip her for dog ass.

eh. so i got sucked into watching the bore-fest. i kept having to switch channels during the acceptance speeches and billy crystal monologues. they made me cringe.

after watching the show, i looked up at the clock and said, "oh good, i wanted to waste three hours of my life."

:)

sigh. i'm so tired and yet restless right now. i know i should go to sleep but i also want to climb a mountain, have a six hour conversation, drink a mexican martini, read a book, write a story, anything, everything, and nothing. i hate it when i feel like this because then my head starts realing with a million emotions.

churn churn churn

p.s. why is it not okay that janet's boob was exposed for a milli-second and yet it's okay to see an old naked man holding his wacker and dancing around like a bafoon? gross gross gross. keep your clothes on billy.

the passion of christian money

and after you go see the movie, be sure to buy the merchandise.

http://www.sharethepassionofthechrist.com/

i'm so glad that this movie is banking in so much money. regardless of being a film about christ, gibson followed the rules of movie success.. sex or violence sells.. and sells big time. the 25 minutes of gore even has me interested.

it's about time religion cash in on pop culture. i mean, the WWJD bracelets were a nice start but there's a lot more money to be made. just look at the porn industry. cater to the whims of society and you will always flourish. find out what they want and give it to them unabashedly and in excess....

sunday. s-u-n-d-a-y. sunday.

how do i begin these usually? oh yeah. i'm so tired. heh.
i had a hell of a busy week at work which finally ended last night. i called up to see what he was up to. jeremy and john had an ET game and then went to play poker...

so ren came over and we rented spellbound. it's a documentary about kids that try to win the national spelling bee competition. it was pretty funny but by the time we started the movie, i was crashing out. i can't believe these kids study the entire dictionary. that's amazing. i guess they won't have any problems on the verbal portion of the SAT.

i've already walked the dog this morning and fed her and cleaned out the litter closet.
now i'm waiting for jeremy to get ready cuz it's lunch time and i'm super duper hungry.

heh. qtpi is sleeping with her butt in the air.

thursday morning

this week has been very stressful. i've had a lot on my mind. life gets so much more complicated when you grow up. you have to learn how to play the poltical game on all fronts. you have to somehow get 60 hours in a day. you have to create lists and lists of things that need to be done and watch as none get crossed off. you have to fret over the worries of daily chores.. and if you're like me, you have to worry for everyone else's welfare.

i don't care how much of a free spirit you think you are or were.. put in real life, we all sing and dance like a cage bird... limited, bound, and flying above our own shit.

cockadoodle doo

good morning. i actually got myself out of bed by 5:30am this morning. i walked the dog, packed my lunch, and was at work by 6am. i have so much work to do.

yesterday, jeremy and i went looking for trucks at a ford and nissan dealership. it ended up taking forever so i wasn't able to head back to work as i had planned. instead, we met my brother at chilli's for dinner. i had the guiltless chicken platter along with a pretty damn guilty helping of chips an queso. heh.

when i got home i was zonked. i played with the dog and talked to jeremy about money and the truck. we want to make sure we're getting what we want and for how much we want. while i'm no fan of american cars, i think i favored the ford f150 over the nissan titan.

all i have to say is that we better be hauling lots of crap over the next four years (approx. time before we sell and buy another car).

oy. i guess i better stop avoiding the inevitable. time to start the work day. you guys enjoy another two hours of sleep.

ta ta miss. bradshaw

woohoo.
just watched the final episode of sex and the city. it was absa-fuckin great.
it wasn't great because the script played out perfectly. it was only great because mr. big and carrie are together. and it's a nice slap in the face to see single and fabulous meet committed and coping. so long sexy and witty.. hello every day bullshit.

good bye Sunday night sex...

p.s. Mr. Big's name is.... John.

the weekend of the dog

"you and me
were meant to be
walking free
in harmony" -morcheeba

i went home this weekend with jeremy and qtpi for a family bbq. jeremy's parents threw a huge bbq at his grandmother's place. his aunt and uncle had come down from washington to visit. we had briskets, sausage, chicken, and jambalaya. i brought qtpi to the event. his grandmother's place is in a small town called Winnie outside of Beaumont. She owns acres and acres of land which include farm land. qtpi had a blast running around. she was such a happy dog, the happiest i've seen her. poor dog doesn't have enough freedom in our tiny condo with no backyard.

i spent all morning with her running her around my backyard and neighborhood. she ran and ran and chased tennis balls and sticks and butterflies. after Saturday's bbq, she slept soundly all night long. WHICH was a huge relief for me. the day of traveling home (a four hour drive) she threw up on me twice and peed in the car. we learned a lot from all that. don't feed or give the dog water before travel. give the dog ample time to pee before putting her in a vehicle.

our trip home was great. i ran her out this morning in the backyard for a few hours and gave her a bath with a REAL LIVE water hose.. hehe.. something we don't have at the condo. she slept the whole way back to austin.

so yeah. the dog had a great weekend. me? i had an okay time. it's nice to get outside every once in awhile and do the outdoors...but i'd prefer my freedom.

after i played with qtpi this morning, my parents and i went to brunch at IHOP. we all got a fruity country griddle pancakes combo meal. it was yummy. i have a scrim tonight i think. i'm also going to watch the final episode of sex and the city. i've been pretty disappointed with the series this season.. (actually the past three seasons). it completely turned into a soap opera with more frets than fun. but i'm glad the series came out. i think it's going to pave the way for fresher shows.

man. i wish i hadn't had to go home this weekend. it was mardi-gras weekend in austin. i bet the clubs were packed. se la vi. or however you spell it.

now to enjoy what is left of my weekend.

Arnold is a whore!

What a fucking hypocrite.

I'm never watching Terminator again.

>:P

So much for progress.

i dream a dream of terror

my mind is the home of many terrible things. i had such a terrifying dream last night. i was with a group of people. i'm not sure what we were doing or what or objective was. i do know that some terrible people were after us. i remember feeling incredibly scared and petrified of being caught. my heart was pounding out of my chest and i can recall running and hiding in the house we were in. a few of the people i was with were caught. i was hiding in the attic and could see them from where i was. after they were caught, they were strapped, face up with their heads in some weird harness. then the bad guys released two viscous dog-like creatures who proceeded to eat out their faces. i woke up catching a scream in my throat. i was aware of the dream and that it was a dream but the feeling of it lingered after i woke.

i used to have similar dreams when i was in highschool and college. i would have them everyday. there was always some entity or group of people out to get me.

jeremy and john went out to H.E.B. to get groceries. we have a scrim at 8pm. i just spent the last two hours or so helping one of my team mates learn his mortar positions. boy was that fun. :P

i'm so tired though. i could definitely go for a nap right now. but they'll be back soon and we'll have to eat and get ready for the scrim.

although your life is your own, it is never quite your own.

best wishes to .. i hope there is a way for you to get better soon.

the dream of love

yup.... damn... love.

i keep talking about all this love bullshit and stuff but sometimes i want it back.
especially after talking to . sometimes i want the pain again. sometimes i want the longing and the desire and the hopelesness of it all. most of all, i want back the hope, the dream, the lie, or whatever it really is.

but i've been there, i've done this before. it always leads nowhere. because at the end of the day, after all the butterflies fade, you have to wake up to real life. you have to chose between fantasy and living with the same person everyday for the rest of your life. this person's magic that you feel in the begninning won't be so magical forever. ESPECIALLY not when you have to see this person deficate or hear them fart or burp. especially not when you see them get cross at you or see them puke their guts out. especially when you get to know all of their physical and emotional flaws.. things about life tend to damage the dream. i don't care how in love you think you are, it's not enough to sustain years and years of partnership.

but still.. sometimes.. just like a drug.. you wish you could sample it one more time.
you know it's damaging and futile..but it's great for the few minutes it lasts..

happy vday! = happy venereal disease day! hehe.

i missed the snow last night. i was sleeping and jeremy awoke me to say it was snowing. my mind was wanting me to jump up and watch the snow fall but my body wouldn't let me. i was so paralyzed alst night. i could hardly move.

i heard qtpi had fun in the snow though. it kept hitting her face and she would try to wipe it off. damn. that would have been a cute thing to see.

i had stayed up last thursday night making valentine cupcakes and chex mix for my co-workers. i got home late because i went to see that lecture with about serial killers. i had a lot of fun going out and eating at kirby lane. although the lecture sucked, going out and interfacing with other people and places is refreshing. ren is so young and has his whole life ahead of him. i really envy him. he still has faith in love. i have faith in nothing.

i woke up around 10am this morning and took the dog out for a really long walk. about halfway through the walk, i really regretted going out. it was freezing and my ears were ringing with pain from the cold. anyhow, qtpi got here exercise for today. i then had the great pleasure of giving her a bath. she kept trying to drink the bath water. i sware she would have gulped down the whole tub if i hadn't struggled with her.

now she's passed out like i wish i were.


jeremy is sleeping next to some violets i bought yesterday for him. i also got him a strawberry cheesecake. i got it for un-valentine's day. heh. thought it'd be nice to do something fun for our family since i did the same for my co-workers.

i've been reading a lot of stuff on MSN about what Vday is all about. i disagree with all of them. Vday is no more special a day than any other when it comes to people you care for. it is simply for me, a good opportunity to buy specialized candy and try to make others around you happy.
put a smile on people's faces. not just people who you love but everyone else in your life as well.

wouldn't you smile if this was waiting for you at work?


yeah, jeremy is up now. we're going to eat at my favorite italian restaurant. Vinny's!!! and not because it's vday but because my olser is finally gone and i can enjoy pasta again! happy no more olser day!!!!

on the flip side

it's chocolate week on the food network. mmmm..
i've been craving sweets all week. unfortunately my damn olser has prevented me from opening my mouth up. it has really sucked. just putting a straw or asprin in my mouth was making me cringe. i'm thinking things will be much better tomorrow.

i can't wake for the weekend. i keep thinking how lucky i'd be if i didn't have to work and could stay home. as i commenced my work day, i timed out what i would be doing on the flip side, the non-working world. instead of getting dressed for work, i'd give the dog a bath. instead of spending all morning drawings sections, i'd be surfing the net and working on my website. instead of eating my pbj in the car and taking the dog out for a walk, i'd be eating my pbj infront of the tv and then take the dog out for a run. instead of spending the rest of the daylight hours in the office, i'd try some baking recipes out and wash the clothes. instead of working well into the evening, i'd take care of bills and checks and vacuum the floor.

if there were only 60 hours in a day.

tomorrow evening, i get to go to the serial killer lecture. i've been looking forward to it all week. i keep hoping it'll be like the opening of copycat, where sigourney weaver gives her lecture. right before harry connick jr.'s character tries to strangle her in the water closet. :)

off to bed...

lick your lips for me

it's absolutely amazing how fast your lips dry out when you can't lick them. i have this terrible mouth olser that is strategically placed so that if i lick my lips, i'm in a crap load of pain. i think i bit the inside of my mouth last week while eating and now i have a sore. it hurts like a mother. oh well, too bad i can't get people to lick my lips for me. "excuse me sir or mam, would you mind licking my lips?" hehe.

we have a game tonight (ET). we have a scrim an hour before the game as well. i'm beginning to feel more a part of the team now. i used to feel like the only reason i was on the team was because my brother and partner are the team captains. ..but i think i'm slowly pulling my own weight. it's hard being a girl in a guy click. guy's have gigantic egos and can't stand to be beat by a girl. i don't know who the hell taught them that when they were young. that kind a of crap should stop. "i'm better than girls so when girls are better than me, that's shameful." BS.

i'm going to this lecture on serial killer this Thursday with on campus. i have this morbid fascination with serial killers. there's something about someone who is not insane and yet chooses to do what he/she does. i can't wait to watch Monster with charlize theron in it. it's about a female serial killer.

dogster

i spent the morning adding Qtpi to dogster. she doesn't have any friends yet but she's picky for now.


http://www.dogster.com/dog_page.php?i=4081

click on link to check out her page.

its been a good weekend

it's 9am in the morning. do you know where your dog is? :)

she's sleeping at my feet while i surf da net. i couldn't go back to sleep after i took her out walking this morning. after we went back upstairs, she roamed around the bedroom for awhile and now she's passed out by my chair. i like her best when she's unconscious. :) less to worry about.

Friday night, j and i decided to keep it casual. we invited our friend eric over for dinner and a movie. we went out to chillis. i ordered the Hawaiian steak and chips and quesso. j had the southwest cob salad, and eric had some pasta dish. talk about good eats.

we went back to our place and put in willow which we got in from netflix recently. i haven't seen that movie in ages. once you start watching an 80s flick that you haven't seen in awhile, things don't tend to fly by as much. you're like "hmmm..right. like that's possible"...and so forth. but i have to give a lot of credit to the 80s film industry for popping out so many great fantasy flicks. (they're like almost extinct). let's see.. the eighties brought us willow, red sonya, conan, krull, beast master, legend, and i'm sure i'm forgetting more important ones.

ren called me up after we started watching the movie. he had just been out to dinner with an old high school friend and wanted to know if i was up for going out. i actually was. his friend had heard that there was a party/ dance on 6th street at Rock Stars. it wasn't until i got there that i found out it was a sorority/fraternity shindig. oy. and to top it off, it was an asian sorority and fraternity thing. double oy! despite having to be in a huge crowd of crazy ass asians, we were able to have some fun. music was mainly hip hop. i don't dance so well to that. all of the people around us were doing usual hip hop moves.. ass grinding and booty shaking. i'm not into that style but hey, as long as you leave me some space to move around, i'm happy. there was this one crazy kid ren and i kept laughing at because he was dancing like nobody's fool. i love people who drop their inhibitions and just let it all out. they make really fun dance partners but i can see how it would get annoying after awhile.

we left the club around 2 something i think. we had parked on 6th street so it wasn't that far of a walk. it was cold as heck though. when we got back to my place, i invited ren in for dr. pepper and some leftover muffins from breakfast. despite having had only three hours of sleep the previous night, ren was able to talk with me about stuff till 4 in the mornin'. after he left, i took a shower and crawled into bed. j and qtpi were already fast asleep.

-----------------------
the next day.

j woke me up around 9:30. we had an appointment with the vet for qtpi. she needed shots and a nail clipping. after dropping qtpi back at the house, we went out to go pick up my monthly bcp package from the pharmacy. it was about 10:40am when we go there. unfortunately, they weren't going to open until 11am. j suggested we go eat brunch at kirby lane. i never decline an offer to go eat. we got there just in time to get an open table. j ordered a California omlet with a side of french toast. i got a cup of chicken tortilla soup, a ceasar salad, and a plate of toast. it as all good.

after picking up the bcp(s), we went to best buy where i bought the big tymers cd which i had heard in eli's car last week. i really wanted that song this is how we do. the rest of the album is pretty good as well. i haven't had a chance to listen to it all. after best buy, we stopped at Sam's to pick up a pack of gum. heh. i love sam's. everything is gigantisized. even the shopping carts are jumbo-sized. we ended up getting more than my huge pack of gum but that's a given whenever you go shopping there. you can't come out of that place without a full cart of stuff.

i ended up napping for most of the daylight hours. at 7pm we went to the grocery to kill two birds with one stone. 1) i got a book for my bday by rachel ray, thirty-minute meals. it's a great book for easy quick meals. j's been using it since i've gotten it to feed the family. i picked out a turkey/cranberry sauce meal. we went to the grocery store to pick up the stuff in the recipe. objective = dinner. 2) we hadn't gone grocery shopping all week. a list had built up and we needed to go badly. objective = groceries.

so we got dinner and groceries for the night and thirty minutes after that, dinner was served.
after walking qpti, we went upstairs and watched cabin fever, another netflix movie that came in. it was a retarded movie but oh well. life goes on.

----------------

man, i'm really hungry right now. i have this huge urge to watch ground hogs day or willy wonka and the chocolate factory. both movies will only make my stomach growl louder. willy wonka has some excellent chocolate scenes. mouth watering. ground hogs day has some kick ass breakfast action. the scene where bill murray's character realizes that there is no tomorrow and starts eating all the breakfast items on the menu...mmmmm.. donuts.

which one to watch. i think we'll try willy and if that doesn't do it for me, will seek out the groundhog.

the cute ones

oy. where to begin.

i have so many thoughts that build up during the day but since i'm working all the time, i never get a chance to write them down.

this weekend, i went out with ren and some of his friends. they seemed like fascinating people. i rarely meet people that i find interesting. most people lack charisma points. i guess i should know that ren would have cool friends. he's and i clicked from the beginning. we have a lot in common but he's a total sap when it comes to relationships. i'm the total opposite. i'm indifferent when it comes to romance and stuff. but hey, he's young..and the young peeps do stupid stuff. :) except for me. i didn't do stupid stuff when i was young. heheh. just kidding.

i like trans boys for some reason. i think they're the only type of men i can be physically attracted to. it's weird. i like men for their personalities usually and women for their physical appearance. very few women's personalities intrigue me and those that do usually won't give me the time of day. most men tend to ignore me unless they are trying to be polite or they're as drunk as hell. life always gives you these hurdles..and i'm too chicken to jump over them. that's why i don't have too many friends.

anyhow, we went dancing at boyz cellar. the music was terribly disappointing. no pop music. hehe. and the techno was very hard to dance to. it's kinda cool going there because you turn invisible (being a girl). in a sea of gay men, a girl can disappear easily. it's funny seeing two scantily clad women dancing on blocks asked to step down so two shirtless men can get up and gyrate their groin areas. hehe. i love the irony. there weren't many women there and the ones that were there weren't great eye candy. but it felt good to be dancing again. dancing is like a beautiful release. i need to do it more often. if only we could find a good club.

i tried to get one of my straight friends to go with me but he didn't want to. i think he's afraid that men will try to pick him up. i don't understand that about homophobic hetero men. why do they always think that gay men want them? if you go to any gay club, you can see that the average joe doesn't cut it for this community. i haven't seen one gay man who wasn't ripped from head to toe. okay, maybe i'm exaggerating a little but you get my point.

there was this one couple i met with ren who seemed so very nice. pleasant to the bone. i really wanted a chance to talk with all of them but all conversation was stunted by this one chick. she was a friend of the couple who was celebrating her 21st bday. she was so drunk. the whole night she just blabbed about everything and anything. i have a really hard time conversing in group situations, add a drunk person and you probably won't hear a peep out of me all night. sometimes my lack of talking is mistaken for me being a snob or stuck up. hopefully they didn't get that impression from me.

man, i hope my dad isn't reading this post. there are just some things your parents just shouldn't read about their kids. sexuality is one of them. i would make my journal friends-only but then i think, what's the point? my other ideas i to create a separate journal all together and go under a pseudo identity..then pour out all the bad and juicy stuff in there... away from people who know me in real life. because sometimes i have thoughts that just shouldn't be read by people i see day to day. the dark side of one's mind should never be revealed to people who are close enough to shake your hand. it would disrupt space time continuum. heh. kind alike in back to the future two beings from different rifts of time and space should never be exposed face to face. so my dark and good side shouldn't ever be revealed in the same body. people just wouldn't be able to handle that and then the universe would explode.

damn, i should get some sleep. i'm not making any sense now.

ugh. i have three guys screaming across the condo right now. eric is over and he's playing ET on jeremy's computer and john and jeremy are in john's room. normally we have mic/head sets we use which cuts down on the noise but our ventrilo server is down right now. i should be playing as well but i'm too friggin' tired. work is really getting to me. it's the stress and the hours. i can't wait for the weekend and hopefully i don't have to go in.

oh good. they're done. i don't have to hear people screaming anymore.

they grow so fast

qtpi as a pup

qtpi runs!

growin' up

big girl

it all sucks

i'm so incredibly stressed out. my work, my family, my home, my pets, myself..it's all starting to get to me. i'm trying to find a way to cope better. i'm trying to unravel all reason or sense that i ever tried to put into anything. i'm trying to find away to embrace complete uncertainty and chaos.
i'm trying to get ready to be hurt and disappointed. i'm trying to strip away any expectations.

but it's hard. it would be like tearing down the entire infrastructure that has built up my life and starting over. and if i try to remove a portion of it, i feel like i'll completely collapse.

my work is wearing me down. the actual work load is completely under control. however, the politics and organization of what is going on around and to me is making me insane. i feel like i'm going to crack soon. i need organization, knowledge, and direction. i hate feeling like i'm totally expendable and interchangeable. not after all i gave to this company anyhow... it doesn't seem right. it's not my bosses fault either because they're just too damn busy to need to worry about my stupid problems. i just need to find a way to deal with this. maybe it's time to start being mean.

my home is a prison. it's dusty, damp, and too damn small. it's so hard coming home after my work and know that i'm not going to feel comfortable. it's our fault for having too much crap. it's our fault for having too many things we can't take care of at this time. it's our fault for not being responsible enough to take care of things right away. we're lazy. and we're paying for it by having to live her every day. we have about a year and a few months till we'll be in a house. we'll finally be somewhere that isn't too small for us.

and right now, qtpi is presenting j and i with a huge problem. she goes to the bathroom outside but then she does the same thing in her kennel. dogs aren't supposed to go to the bathroom in their beds. it's not right. we don't know what to do yet. i asked my office manager what she thought i should do. she's going to check on some books she has at home. i might call my vet if this continues. of course, maybe this is normal puppy behavior.. or maybe we're not taking her out enough. i guess i could look up more information on the internet.

i don't want to talk about my own personal issues right now though. i've been going through a lot of "myself" issues.. trying to cope with who i've become and who the hell i should be in the first place or second place. :) sigh.

i better go get dressed. i'm probably going to get called into work soon.

another anhedonia and octopus dream...

i had a dream about anhedonia and octopus, as i do on occasion. it was weird.
i was in one of those simple diners you see on the side of the road outside of major cities. the diner was lined with windows looking out onto a vast parking lot but there were very few cars. the booth seats were a bright red pleather. i was sitting at a booth with anhedonia. we were eating a hamburger that only had 40 calories. yeah, only in my dreams. heh. she was crying and telling me that octopus had broken up with her. then in my head (still in the dream), i remembered reading a post he had written about the whole ordeal. something about needing to find himself and taking the time to cope with depression.

at this point in my dream, i realize that anhedonia and octopus are merely physical projections of actual people who are going through this in my life right now. i find it weird that the actual persons involved in this real-life lovers dispute weren't the ones in the dream. i disconnected the bodies and placed them into characters that are distant but familiar.

there was no real point to my dream. there was no resolution. at the end of my dream, i was back in the diner. however, the place had changed. it looked more like outdoor cabana type place. i was eating steak with jeremy and my brother. that's all i remember.

bush in 30 seconds

http://bushin30seconds.org/

These are great. My favorites are "What are we teaching our Children" and "What I have been up to.."

you are not special

we had a clan match tonight. however, the opposing team didn't show up. so we ended up having a clan practice match on a public server.

aside from my geeky ness, i've been over-dosing on the nasal spray my mother told me to only use for three days. it's been more than three days. but i'm only spraying a little up my nose. a little won't hurt, right? i need to breathe. without the stuff, my nose just shuts down. it's depressing not being able to breathe.

sigh. so now i'm going to go take a shower and probably crawl into bed. i started watching fight club last night. i love that movie. some of the best lines come from that movie:

"You are not special. You are not a
beautiful or unique snowflake. You are
the same decaying organic matter as
everything else."
~Tyler~

hell yeah. and don't forget it.

but i did feel special today. my bosses daughter made me a cute little drawing over the weekend to thank me for all the baking stuff her dad has brought home from work. at least that's what i think the drawing was for. it had hearts and swirls in yellow and red on it. i never would have though some kids drawing would make my day, but it did.

damn. dog's barking. gotta go take it out for a piss and poo.
ah joy.

ta.

Sunday, muggy Sunday

i stayed up way late yesterday night. i didn't get to sleep till 7am. i ended up watching the mirror has two faces after i said i was going to bed. and yes, that is the barbara streisand movie and yes, i for some reason like the movie. maybe i like the theory of love without the sexual zip and yet the extreme need for zing in our lives...etc.

i woke up really late as well. not till noon. i was supposed to go into work today but i've been trying to get better so i didn't want to stress myself out. of course, i'm now stressed out because i have so much work to do for tomorrow.

i ended up working on the jaeclan website all afternoon. jerms, john, and i had a late lunch and got subway sandwiches. i got my usual 6" turkey on wheat bread. after we ate, i did more jae site work. i've been working on the members page. i worked until around 6pm and then i crashed out. i didn't wake up till 10pm. the good news is that i felt better but the bad news was that i didn't go to work.

i had some soup around 11pm with my brother, chicken and rice. now, i'm upstairs contemplating on if i should just crash out for the rest of the night. jerms is in the middle of formatting his computer. he got a new 250 gig hard drive. my key board is bugging out on me. it's a wireless and i think the batteries are running low. i need to replace them.

and tomorrow is Monday. i feel like i'm in a hamster wheel. it feels like i should be getting somewhere but i'm not.

any given Thursday

what's worse than the idea of having to go back to work on Monday? having to go back to work on Sunday. yup. i gotta go build a model tomorrow sometime. oh so fun.

been working on updating the www.jaeclan.com website. trying to keep my clan organized so that we make it into the play offs this season. that would be great.

damn. it's 4am. i can't believe i'm still up. this can't help my sickness any.

on a different subject.
how do mom's do it? how do people sustain a family without losing themselves? just today, we were out shopping in north austin. we were going to go out and eat with my brother and friends that evening but then remembered we have a dog to take care of. so we had to go back home and take the dog out for a pee and attention. unfortunately, dogs are nothing like cats. they can NOT take care of themselves. so yeah, even a day trip becomes a hassle when you have dependents.

it wasn't all bad when we came home though. there are joys of staying home. i bought the john mayer any given Thursday dvd, one of those live concert things. it was really good. i ended up jamming to it during dinner and after. i was jumping up and down in the living room trying to do my best john mayer impression. QTPI and dessy were dancing with me.

then i tried to teach QTPI a new trick. she learned how to shake my hand a few days ago so i thought it'd be nice if she learned how to roll over. unfortunately, while i was training her, she peed on the floor. damn. she was doing so good. it's so random too. she'll wait hours in her kennel but then pee 10 minutes after we took her out on the carpet. suckage.

sigh. i better get to sleep. i'll never wake up tomorrow at this rate.

tas.

no nose

i somehow managed to get sick the weekend before i had to return to work. j gave me something. casualty of living with someone. they're woes become yours. anyhow, my nasal passages have been swollen for the past few days. i can't breathe out of them until i'm unconscious. they've never been this swollen. i took some antihistamines but they didn't work. my mom told me to use the nasal spray she gave j before we left. aaaah yeah.

i can breathe finally. that stuff if powerful shit. it feels so good to be able to breathe normally. stuff you take for granted when your healthy. anyhow, this whole nose thing made me paranoid about maybe having a cancer in my nose or something. and that got me to thinking of those people you see on tv with half their faces caved in from the removal of the tumor. i kept asking myself, would i be able to live like that? random huh? i don't think i'd want to live if it meant i had to be deformed. i guess that makes me rather shallow. but who else gets to define reasonable limits of suffering, if not ourselves?

i got a bush (mis) speak calendar for christmas. i finally opened it up and put it on my desk at home yesterday. the quote for Jan 1st was hilarious.

"The law I sign today directs new funds and new focus to the task of collecting vital intelligence on terrorist threats and on weapons of mass production."

-G.W. Bush, November 27, 2002
Speaking at the White House during the signing of the September 11th Commission Bill.

i should be practicing ET but i think i'm going to crawl into my nice soft bed and watch some tv before i pass out.

pms for men

there was nothing particularly different about today than was yesterday. i just feel off. i woke up late and from then off, i've been just floating.

my life is work, dog, work, dog, eat, sleep.

mom mode has me. that's what i keep telling people. i'm not human anymore, i'm a mom. i've got the terrible R disease. Responsibility.

Yeah. if i had it all to do over, i think i would never have gotten pets at all. of course, if i had it all to do over, i probably would have ended up a whore in new york. but that's a different story. heh.

tonight, eric is coming over to try and fix our phone line. for some reason, the reception in the bedroom is very bad. we can hardly hear people talking on the other line.

today i came home to a pissed off jeremy. he had a bad day with the dog this evening. apparently she was being bad. and then he got pissed off about the hamburger patties being still frozen even though they've been defrosting for hours. and after he was done bitching about that, he went on to bitch about how his new george foreman rotisserie grill doesn't fit enough patties at one time. i simply went to the kennel after that and went running with the dog. if jerms was a woman, most people would be like "yeah, PMS!" but because it was a man whining and groaning, it's serious.

whatever.

what has the new year brought?

forget christmas happened. i don't feel like posting my entire holiday adventure so i'm going to skip to the present. but i will mention a few cool gifts i got which i will enjoy thorougly this year.

my bush speak calendar, which contains 365 quotes from the funniest man in america, unfortunately he is also our leader. :P

i also got three X2 cams with wide angle view and a pan and tilt ninja stand. i haven't had the energy or time yet to get them up but i'll work on it soon.

a one year subscription to martha stewart living. i can't wait to try some of her craft and baking ideas.

two twin size down comforters so i can always stay warm when watching tv. hehehe.

we ended up hauling a CR-V full of gifts back to Austin, so we scored pretty big this christmas. heh. i guess we're supposed to be too old to care about presents but oh well.

jerms got 6 Lord of the Rings action figures from me for Christmas. which sparked a huge collecting spree over the holidays. he and his mom combed all off the golden triangle to find every LOTR action figure known to consumers. needless to say, six action figures has turned into TOO many to count. and he's started up on ebay now to get some the rare ones that aren't being sold anymore. EVENTUALLY, we'll get a house in a year and a half and actually have a place to put them all. He's not sure if he's going to take them out of the box yet since they are displayed pretty nicely inside their package.

twilight frodo, where are you? :)

so, the puppy is getting big. she's growing up so fast. i taught her how to lay down this holiday break. it took two days and a few treats but she now knows it. i'm trying to get sit, lay down, and stay engrained in her brain before i move onto handshake, dance, and do my taxes. hehe.

we started up a netflix account. it's great. we have about 200 movies already in our que. i'm excited because i can get old turner classics which i used to watch when i was in middle school and high school. one of my favorites which i watched back then was This Property is Condemned with Natalie Woods. There's this once scene when she and Robert Redford are in an old train cart that I really really love. I used to have the movie on VHS and watched that scene over and over again. Something about it was really relaxing. And no, it's not some sex scene.

oh yeah, in other news, our new Wolfenstien Enemy Territory Clan site is up. http://www.jaeclan.com. i finally got off my butt and created a new site so we wouldn't look like total newbs. we were seriously lacking in team organization and coordination. so i took it upon myself to get us in order. check it out and if you play, make sure you sign up for our clan. hehehe. got a put a plug in.

jerms and i got back from boremont two days before we had to go back to work. so we got in some extra LOTR action figure shopping. while we were at target, i took it upon myself to buy some make up. just some lipstick and eyeliner. they were glittery. so they are really only for going out dancing but i've been wearing it around the house for fun. i also bought some pink lipstick which just evens out my liptone so i wear that one to work. i have a bad habit of blotting out my lipstick with tissue every time i put it on because i can't stand feeling makeup on me. so all this material stuff is purely emotional i guess, the idea of being more girly every once in awhile. even though i don't look it, it's nice to feel it sometimes.

okay, i guess i didn't really skip to the present. but i did at least skip to the presents. hehe.
i'm a dork.